Dreaming of my Mom

You might ask yourself why I am up at 6:36 a.m. (as I've begun typing this)... I've actually been awake for awhile but it all started, I guess, with a dream.

Those who know me IRL are aware that I often have very vivid, but odd dreams. However; when I woke up about half an hour ago to go pee, I had had a very normal dream.

We were all at my Mom's house. T., Little Man, Rhyme Girl and our friends, K&R and their two boys.

Mom was in her rocking chair, having a Pepsi and laughing at Little Man and his two friends as they were playing in front of the TV with some Hot Wheels cars and she called our friends youngest son "a real firecracker."

Rhyme Girl was laying on the floor, colouring or drawing a picture while Skippy the evil dog sort of hung out to her side and was watching her.

T. & I were on the couch and K&R were on the loveseat and we were all talking and laughing and smiling and having a great time - knowing that soon enough there would be another little one ready to play.

K made a comment about how my Mom and I shared our taste in furniture and I didn't think anything of it.

It was a great dream. So great and real that I forgot that my Mom died in 2004 and the first instant where I woke up I thought, what a strange, normal dream for me to have and then it hit me...

That Mom was dead. And I was just overwhelmed with grief and sadness and I couldn't stop crying.

T. got me a roll of toilet paper for blowing my nose and a fresh from the fridge, icy cold, bottle of water after I got up and went to the bathroom.

And he held me and rubbed my back and talked to me while I cried. And even though my beliefs are a bit farther out there, so to speak, than his own. He said he thought it was a sign from my Mom.

That she'd managed to get through to me to let me know that this pregnancy was going to turn out well.

I'll add that I believe she's happy for me and the family that I have built since she passed.

Then T. and I cuddled and I talked a bit about Mom and then Dad as well. I think we might make a quick trip to their grave today after lunch, well before we go to the Xmas party at B&S's in Ajax.

I wasn't sure that I'd be able to go back to sleep right away and T. was very understanding and even encouraged me to come down and write in my blog before I forgot anything.

*sigh*


I love you, Mom... message recieved.


Little Man & Mom - July 2004 (she died Nov 2, 2004)



Skippy - Jan 2004 (he died in March 2004)

This really bothers me...

There is a 6-year-old boy who has autism who is being "excluded" from his public school.

My ex mentioned this to me as he heard about it on 570news. I've tried googling the name "Mason Fry" and I've checked on the website of a local paper but I have not come up with anything other than the original 2-part podcast on 570news.

Part 1: http://www.570news.com/listen/jeff-allan/media.jsp?content=20091126_130917_6388

Part 2: http://www.570news.com/listen/jeff-allan/media.jsp?content=20091126_131240_7708

Now I would have to say that I've been very lucky with Little Man and his school experiences thus far (he's in Grade 2) *knocks wood*

I think it is absolutely heart-breaking for this little boy to be excluded. It's wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Another Mom I know has been having a rough time dealing with her TO-area school.

There has been a major rise in the news media in general, re: autism awareness.

I've read upsetting stories about children being excluded or treated badly etc and I've read some wonderful success stories about including child with autism.

They bring so much into your life.

Little Man did junior kindergarten in a specialized class with a total of 8 children. There was one teacher and 2 assistants and the children in the class were in various places on the autism spectrum.

My son was one of the highest-functioning children in the class. But he got to that point because he participated in speech and occupational therapy before entering JK and then there was a lot of hands-on therapy occuring during class.

Little Man is currently in Grade 2 in a regular class in our local public school. His teacher this year has a background in autism and sometimes there is an EA in the classroom (though that person is not assigned specifically to my son).

I would be livid if I was going through what the Fry family is experiencing with their young son.

And I wish them all the best.

StorkCraft drop-side crib recall

This is making me crazy...

Cannot get the website to load and the toll free # is constantly busy.

You see, Little Man's former crib is a drop-side Storkcraft and I was thinking of using it for the Wee One when (s)he is born.

But now -- not sure wtf will go on.

Anyway, so i remember where it is -- my info on Little Man's former crib is:

Stork Craft Mfg, Inc
Richmond Hill, BC
Model 65607 Reg No.9179
March 2, 2002

Stork Craft toll-free at (877) 274-0277 to order the free repair kit

storkcraft.com

What is it with laughing that leaves me in tears?

OK,

So those who know me, know that I have issues with innappropriate laughter, especially when I am in a situation that is emotionally uncomfortable.

But one of the other issues I've had for as long as I can remember is that if something really makes me laugh that I have to be careful because when I start really laughing, I will often then start crying.

If I am unable to stop the crying -- well then it just goes to this deep emotional pit and I will turn from happy/amused to a level of sadness that I cannot even put into words.

And then I will sob from the depths of my soul.

I find it embarrasing and if I can tell I'm headed that way, I try to get away from people and do it in private.

However, on the other side of the embarrassment is a sensation of relief and temporary lightness, as if I've managed to slide some invisible burden from me.

Thought I'd write about it right now since it started to happen last night.

Little Man came downstairs and said he needed a bath because he'd stepped in poo.

I asked him where he'd stepped in poo.

He said in the bathroom.

I asked how he stepped in poo in the bathroom.

He said he didn't know, that he'd just been up there going poo and then he wiped his bum and was washing his hands and said he stepped in a piece of poo.

I asked him to show me his feet -- nothing poo-like in evidence.

But the whole thing began to strike me as funny and I started to laugh uncontrollably and soon there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn't even speak.

I managed to make it into my bedroom and stop myself, but it was a challenge.

But the thing is, when I have a big cry like I was afraid was on the way, it takes a physical toll on me as well as an emotional one and for all the good I may feel emotionally after one of those crazy crys... it is physically painful to me.

Toughest thing right now is the fact that I am more emotional than normal (and at my normal, I would say I am more emotional than most people).

*sigh*

I need to rant... thanks to media frenzy

I am getting really sick of hearing about H1N1.

If my friends and family are choosing to get the immunization -- more power to them. I don't fault people for choosing to get it nor do I think ill of those who choose to NOT get it.

But I am bloody well sick of all the media frenzy about it... it's scaring the crap out of people.

There was a news story today, which was sad. A 2-month-old boy died. They featured it in the beginning of the news under the header of "H1N1 Watch" (or something like that).

My concern was that it was then stated, in passing, that it was not known whether or not the child actually died of H1N1 (but the parents said the coroner said so to them). Either the child did pass away because of it or the child did not.

One would think that if the coroner actually had the facts, that then THAT would have featured prominently in the piece rather than the brief disclaimer that it wasn't yet known for certain.

Also, in the feature, the mother stated that, "It looked like he was sleeping so I went to turn him over onto his back and his lips were blue."

I thought every parent knew that it is NOT recommended for infants to sleep on their stomachs because it increases the risk of accidental suffocation and putting a baby "back to sleep" (on their back) is mentioned as a way to try to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

My heart breaks for this family... losing their baby. It's sad and it's tragic, but was it H1N1?

Who knows?

BTW, I did google the story and I came across the baby's obit. The last line is as follows:

Those wishing to make a donation in memory of Ethan are asked to consider S.I.D.S.

But as it stands now -- oh no, it's H1N1.

I expect any day now to see other things attributed to H1N1...

Snowfall begins, media sources blame H1N1

New evidence discovered -- H1N1 was on the grassy knoll in Dallas

Pile-up on the 401, H1N1 charged with impaired driving

H1N1 was in the iceberg that sank the Titanic...

Geraldo Rivera was WRONG - Al Capone's vault wasn't empty - it was the hide-out of H1N1...

The possibilities are endless.

Just keep watching the news and see

So I have another stubborn baby

Those who knew me back when I was pregnant with Little Man may recall how frustrated I was that my baby chose to "play shy" during ultrasounds.

Well, I've got another one - LOL!

Had my 18 wk ultrasound today and the tech told me that the baby kept its legs closed the entire time.

But what I do know is that I have a healthy, growing baby who was moving nicely. All the measurements are within the norm and everything looks great.

The ultrasound pushed my EDD back on day to April 3rd. Though with a scheduled C-section I believe my OBGYN will take me in a wk to two wks before my EDD.

If so, that would mean the earliest would be March 20th (my Dad's death-iversary).

Don't see the OBGYN until Dec 9th, so I guess I'll have a better idea then. Oh and I have my pre-birth clinic appt at the hospital tomorrow morning.

Little Man was excited to come in and see the baby on the screen. The baby was waving it's right arm and the tech said, "Look, the baby's saying, 'Hi, big brother.'"

Little Man sort of had an odd look on his face and then he said, "Hi baby!" and then he waved.

T. held my hand and seemed happy that now I get to be relieved (again) that the baby is doing well.

Here's one of the ultrasound pics:

Thinking about my Mom today...

My Mom died 5 years ago today.

Making me, officially, an "adult orphan" as my Dad died in 1993.

I do have a relationship with my birth Mom - but it's different because I didn't meet her until I was 18.

Whereas the parents who loved me and raised me are both gone.

Somehow, it seems a little easier this year. Probably because I am pregnant and instead of being so sad that they are gone, I have been thinking more about the fact that both of my parents would be THRILLED that I am having another baby.

They were both big fans of children.

They were foster parents for 13 years (which is how they ended up getting me) and they had 3 children of their own before they eventually ended up adopting me.

I think some of the best times my Mom had in the last year of her life were the times she spent with Torin. He was her "Little Man."

She did some odd things like giving him a sip of Pepsi out of her glass when he wasn't even eating solids yet (Mom's comment: "It's OK [my name], he likes it.")

She would rejoice in the fact that she also has a great-grandson and a great-granddaughter.

And she'd be telling me her predictions on whether or not I am going to have a boy or a girl this time.

While my Dad would just be enchanted by all the little ones. And would tease me about whether or not the one-to-come would talk as much as I did when I was a kid.

My son remembers my Mom... but he seems to have a different idea about things like death - perhaps because he has autism, or maybe it's just the way he thinks period.

Hard to say.

Last wk I attended a memorial service for my friend's Mom. I had actually met his Mom before I met him as I was once good friends with his older brother. Years later, I met him and he and my best friend fell in love and got married.

Anyway, it was the first service (not just a visitation) that I have attended since my Mom died.

Sometimes I got sad, because it made me think of my late parents, sometimes I got sad for my friends who lost their Mom/mother-in-law, sometimes I got sad because I was feeling all the emotions around me.

The part where I stopped being sad was when I was distracted by orange-shirt guy. But I might write about him later.

My final note on this is that Little Man was quite firm in his belief that his Uncle J's Mom would have a friend in Heaven because since she's be there and my Mom is there and they both know Little Man that they'd be friends and could talk about him.

My son thinks he's the center of the universe and he is awesome.

What is going on in the world?

Heard on the news - another child with autism whose parent was charged with their murder.

This breaks my heart. Any time I read or hear about a case of a parent killing their child(ren) but it is so much worse when it is about a child with autism since it makes me think of Little Man.

Now, those who know us IRL are aware that he is in the higher-functioning end of the spectrum.

In fact, I had my IEP meeting with his teacher last week and she says he's a joy to have in the class and that he responds well to certain verbal cues to re-direct his attention to where it is meant to be and that, essentially, he is rarely an issue in the classroom.

I love and cherish my Little Man and I know how stressful it can be, especially when I think back to how he was when he was, essentially, non-verbal and acting out far more than just frequently.

I do not understand why there are not more readily available supports for children and families dealing with autism, as well as other disorders, diseases and disabilites in general.

Who looks after the mental health of these care-givers?

Someone should be.