The thoughts and prose of a Synchronistic Catalyst

2010-11-27T17:37:00.001-05:00

blog hop

2010-11-19T11:01:00.001-05:00

The awesomeness of Kevin Smith

2010-11-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

So last night T., myself and two of our friends went together to see Kevin Smith perform. My sister was also there but she had a better seat even though she bought her ticket that very day.

I took a picture of her with a Kevin Smith lookalike (though he was much shorter than Kevin).

Now, I adore Kevin Smith, and have done so since I first saw "Clerks."

I own all 3 of the Evening with Kevin Smith DVDs. So I went into last night with high hopes and he did NOT disappoint me!

I actually laughed so much last night that I had pain at the end of my jaw today.

He was engaging, intelligent and far more reflective and introspective in this live performance than in the Evening DVDs I've watched.

It really felt like he was tuned into the universe and was "where the puck is going to be" as opposed to "where the puck was" as he was saying during the show last night.

He spoke quite a bit about Walter Gretzky, and all he'd done for his son, Wayne and I teared up. And I am a Canadian who does NOT like hockey.

He also got me when he was talking about the late, great, amazing and irreplaceable George Carlin.

One of the coolest moments was when he mentioned loving Hal Hartley's brilliant movie, "Trust" (my VHS copy of it was misappropriated by the ex-cousin-in-law of my ex and it still hasn't been released for R1 on DVD yet).

He also did a bit where he said, "I want my two dollars!" which I took as a total shout-out to a movie I love called, "Better Off Dead."

All in all, I think he seemed more mature and he seemed to fall into the self-depreciation out of force of habit rather than actually still feeling that way. I think he has a good handle on who he is now and he accepts and loves himself more than he seemed to in the past.

Of course, I really love to read into things so I could just be nuts - who knows?

Kevin spoke for almost 4 hours.

A handful of people got to ask questions (though the questions weren't that good, people were asking more than one and a bunch of people were whoring out their bdays -- I wish T. and I could have since the tickets were our bday presents to ourselves).

A FB friend of mine was actually in line to ask a question behind the last questioner (who did all the questions from "Inside the Actor's Studio") so she was really disappointed and pissed off.

I had a fantastic time and H. was babysitting the wee lamb for me whilst Little Man was with R.'s boys. Of course, we hadn't realized we would be out so late so today H. tweeted Kevin Smith...

Check this out:

things on my mind

2010-10-25T23:35:00.000-04:00

So tonight was a little rough for a couple of reasons.

#1 - Participating in CPR training was a bit uncomfortable. Even though I knew everyone there (except for the instructor) I felt really uncomfortable with the idea of playing the person in distress and being checked over by someone else so I didn't play that role.

It was surprising to me how uncomfortable with that idea I was.

#2 - When we were talking about CPR for infants and practicing on the dummies - it made me really anxious in thinking something could happen to my wee girl, even though I would now know how to handle it.

#3 - When we were talking about heart attacks and strokes it brought me right back to when Dad was still alive and how he died and I was glad that was the last part of tonight's session because I found myself getting really upset and having to hide it.

*sigh*

My friend became a Mom today

2010-09-27T23:06:00.002-04:00

Today one of my old and dear friends had her first child.

I feel very emotional about it because she and I have been friends for about 20 years and we are both adoptees.

When I had my first child, it was an incredibly powerful experience, as I imagine it is with all new parents, but as an adoptee there was more to it than that.

It's kind of incredible to realize that this tiny person was grown and nurtured in your own body, that they share your DNA, that they are a part of you.

Even with finding my birth family, I still had that feeling of AWE when I had my first child... that I helped create something -- someone -- so precious and beautiful. And I could not imagine how it was possible that my mother ever gave me up (even though, as an adult, I know it was for the best).

Once my friend is home from the hospital and on the mend, I want to ask her if she had a similar experience and feeling.

Because she found her birth family just like I did. In fact, of all my friends, she understands that aspect of me more than anyone.

When I had my daughter, I did have a re-visitation of that feeling but it wasn't as overwhelming as it was when I had my son.

I can't say if that's because I'd been through it once or if it was more pronounced when my son was born simply because his birth was far more traumatic.

But today, I cried tears of happiness and joy for her.

She has wanted to be a Mom for so very long and now she gets to fulfill that dream and I am so very proud of her and happy for her.

sigh

2010-09-17T19:27:00.000-04:00

I haven't been sleeping well lately... was hoping to catch a nap while Little Man was at Kung Fu but Lambikins has been a lil Miss Crankypants.

Last night I had a ton of small vignette type dreams that were rather odd... even odd for me.

I have been trying to get a lot of various things done before my down cycle kicks in (Nov) but with the baby, I do find I am having a hard time finding a balance with everything.

My mood is still good though. :>

So when I said I had something I wanted to post about

2010-09-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

I did but then I felt kind of funny about it.

I am pretty open about my personal belief system and some of the odder things that have happened but this one was so "blink-of-the-eye" that I wasn't sure what to say.

Though it then sparked a lengthy discussion with T. about my beliefs because he does not share my open-mindedness, so to speak.

Anyway, I was alone in living room - T. and the kids were upstairs, the dog was up on the landing and the cat was in the basement and then I suddenly saw someone out of the corner of my eye.

I turned and there was no one there but I was left with a strong feeling of pride and love - which in turn leads me to believe that it was my Dad, just checking in on me.

This was a few days before what would have been his 85th birthday.

But what T. and I ended up talking about was how I feel that the soul transitions and changes after death as well.

For those of you who don't know this - I believe in reincarnation but I think that only the inherent part of one's soul comes back. The part that retains ALL the lessons we've learned and the experiences we've had in each incarnation along with a a small drop of each essential essence whereas I think that the true essential essence of the soul, the part most inherently tied to a single incarnation, the spark of the individual personality that is created in one lifetime remains in the beyond to watch over their loved ones.

I have something to write about

2010-09-10T07:54:00.000-04:00

But I have to get breakfast and get Little Man to school in a bit so I may not have time at the moment.

That being said though, I wrote a poem in the middle of the night - posted it this morning.

Upcoming seminars & other events

2010-09-08T06:57:00.001-04:00

Understanding IEPs - 8:30 a.m. - 11:30 a.m. Sept 25th - waiting for confirmation of registration

Ombligo's baby shower - noon Sept 26th - waiting for reply to my RSVP email that had a question

Understanding the Social World (for ASD) - 5:30 - 8 p.m. Sept 29th - T. & I are both registered & my sister is babysitting for us

non-violent crisis intervention (pt 1) - Oct 5th - 6 - 9 p.m. - I am registered & paid my $25

non-violent crisis intervention (pt 2) - Oct 7th - 6 - 9 p.m

Support strategies for difficult situations for people with autism - 5:30 - 8 p.m. Oct 13th - T. & I are both registered & my sister is babysitting for us

letter to james@hobbystar.com re: FanExpoToronto 2010

2010-08-29T13:57:00.002-04:00

Dear James,

This was the first year that I attended the FanExpo and I have to say that, overall, it was a disappointing and frustrating experience.

#1 - we held advance deluxe passes which were supposed to allow us in at 2 p.m. However, there was a massive line-up for the VIP pass holders and then the deluxe pass holders were told to line up with basic pass holders. At the same time, there was another line for people purchasing tickets on that day and they were being let in as they purchased so many of them did not end up waiting in line for over 2 hours like so many of we advance ticket holders did. Unacceptable.

#2 - the staff did not have a good grasp on the rules. We were told on Friday when we presented a child's ticket for our 8-year-old son that they could only give him a pass for Friday and that we would have to line up again on Saturday to get him a pass for Saturday. So instead of being able to enjoy the Expo once we got in on Friday, we had to go get into another line at the PR room to try to clear up the information. There we were finally told that what we had been told before was incorrect and that child under 10 were allowed in free. (Our friends had worried about the child's pass so purchased a $12.00 ticket for him in advance as well as printing out the free child's pass).

#3 - On Saturday we were originally informed by a FanExpo person that we would have to line up again for re-entry. As we were staying in that very hotel, we tracked down a security guard who told us that it was incorrect and that we could use the VIP entrance since we had a weekend pass. So again, we had to waste time getting the correct information.

#4 - the line-ups inside were neither clearly marked, nor regulated. In the Stan Lee Q&A line-up on Saturday, a number of people were jumping into an advantageous spot in line near the bathrooms where the line switched sides. Another line member finally got a nice, older lady from FanExpo to come back and police it, but that was after a number of people had already line-jumped and she kept control of it after that point.

#5 - at the end of a Q & A we had to leave the room and line up again to see the next presentation which was scheduled for the same room. Not being able to find the end of the line we wanted, my 8-year-old son (was happy to see Stan Lee but very disappointed about missing the Batman Q & A which happened right afterwards

#6 - everything was very crowded together and it was difficult to maneuver and it might have been better if the specific areas were more clearly marked.

#7 - because of all the re-entry issues and crowding and general disorganized nonsense we missed most of Friday and only stayed until 6 p.m. on Saturday and chose to NOT return on Sunday.

#8 - cancellation and/or re-scheduling of guests or changing the days guests were attending is frustrating and disappointing when, for example, our big pulls to attend were Stan Lee & William Shatner. We saw one of the two.

I would like to know how Hobbystar intends to correct these issues and how they will make it up to the people who paid hard-earned money in good faith to Hobbystar and did not have even remotely the experience that they expected.

I especially think that there should be something done to accommodate people who had advance tickets (as we did) were checked into the hotel before 1:15 p.m. (as we were) and then still had to wait in line for HOURS before getting inside (we got in after 5 p.m.) partially due to the fact that we got sent to a different line at first and then later re-directed and partially due to the fact that we thought since we had 2 p.m. entry tickets AND were staying in that hotel that we would be able to enter from within the hotel.

Awaiting your reply,

What a day

2010-08-29T00:18:00.001-04:00

There were good things and there were disheartening things... and I am too tired to write about them now but when they say autism is a spectrum disorder - I think that also accurately reflects the wide range of experiences one can have parenting a child with autism on any given day.

On a very busy, very over-stimulating weekend at FanExpo 2010 -- well, I think that this is the last time we take Little Man to something like this for a long time.

He was pretty good until around 5 p.m. today and we were really proud of him and then the meltdown began. It really exploded after T. took him up so he could use some of his piggy back money to buy a Lego Star Wars shirt.

Then he wanted to go home, then he wanted to stay, and then he wanted to go to a restaurant. He had a massive meltdown in TO outside the hotel.

Now I am talking massive, meltdown tantrum. Screaming, yelling, hitting and kicking at us when we tried to get him moving so as to not extend the scene.

And then he lifts up his feet while each of us have one of his hands so he's not running into people or, god forbid, into the street. and starts trying to kick us while he's sort of swinging himself.

Of course that meant there was absolutely NO WAY that we were going back into the Expo and we certainly were not going to take him into a public restaurant.

Now, he hasn't had a meltdown in a few weeks, and I was really hoping that maybe it was something he was getting past.

No such luck.

We were treated to a reprisal of the event after stopping at TH's closer to home (but not in our town yet) so he could go to the bathroom.

He went into the men's and I went into the women's while lambikins was in the car with T. I could hear Little Man talking to me through the wall or the door so I told him when he was done to come to the ladies door and wait for me.

So we get back to the car and he tells us that he isn't done pooping yet, and that he is "still holding half of it in [his] bum."

Then I get T. to take him back inside because the little one is crying and it's a hunger cry.

I start giving her a bottle in car but it's late and we are all tired and she's cranky and we just really want to get home. So I ask Little Man if he can help and hold the bottle for her so we can continue driving.

My head is killing me and I told T. to drive through town and not highway the rest of the way home in case I have to nurse the little one.

She starts really crying and fussing so we pull over in a gas station to try and settle her down and then Little Man starts complaining about how his life sucks and he just wants to play and meltdown #2 begins.

He's kicking the back of my seat and pretending to choke himself and screaming and unbuckling his seatbelt and just having a do-over of the TO meltdown.

That doesn't improve the situation with the little one & we can't go anywhere with him acting like that either.

It's well past his bedtime by this point so that doesn't help either.

Nonetheless, we finally get him settled down. Finally. And it still takes a bit before we head for the last bit of our trek home.

So now that he's calm, I ask him why he does all those things when he tantrums.

Answer: "I don't want to tell you because it might get me in trouble."

And I remind him that he gets in more trouble when he doesn't tell me the truth.

You know what the answer from him was???

"I do it because I think it scares you."

And I follow up by asking why he'd want to scare me and then I get the usual answer of, "I don't know."

What in the world do I do with that?

My baby girl has her first tooth!

2010-08-11T22:16:00.002-04:00

Read the entry HERE.

In other news - I am tired, warm and mosquito bitten.

That is all!

Took the wee lamb for a walk last night and took some pics

2010-07-24T16:21:00.003-04:00


#1 - The sky was rather odd looking at first

BTW the pics won't align how I want them to but FUCK IT! I'm sick of messing with them!

8 years ago today

2010-07-13T01:15:00.003-04:00

I was in the hospital, in an excruitiating amount of pain and scared out of my mind.

Things had been going from bad to worse with my labour and it was not looking good.

But, after an emergency c-section, my son was born.

My OBGYN said, "It's a boy, with freakishly large big toes, does he get those from drunken Grandpa?"

I remember he held Little Man up, I saw him, I heard him cry and then I was out cold for a few hours.

I am so blessed to have my wonderful son!!!

Happy birthday!

*Technically it's not his birthday until 3:18 a.m.

Very frustrated

2010-07-09T19:09:00.002-04:00

OK so I had told T. back in June that starting in July we were going to be working on being a healthier family. Eating better, getting more exercise etc to try and make these changes that are a big challenge for us NOW while Talia is young so by the time I intro solid foods to her - we'll all be eating healthier so that will be what she grows up with.

And all I get is bitching. I know it kinda sucks since we love mac-n-cheese and he and I could each eat a box by itself on our own that we actually SHOULDN'T do that and that now we won't.

I'd really like him to be on-board with this. He *SAYS* he is but then he sulks and he makes snide remarks and, essentially - acts like one of the kids.

OK, the parents who raised me are both gone. When I was born in 1972 my Dad was 47 and my Mom was 42.

That's only 4 yrs older than Tony and I will be by the end of this year.

Tony's parents are here but they have a lot of health problems.

I want to do what we can so that we are still here and HEALTHY as the wee lamb, Little Man and Rhyme Girl grow up.

I know it's hard.

But for pete's sake -- be a grown up and support this instead of bitching about it in front of the kids who aren't keen on the change either!!!!

ARRRGH!

just something on my mind

2010-07-04T23:59:00.002-04:00

Why is it that all our personal "tales of yesteryear" always seem to be the ridiculous, outrageous, stupid, dangerous or almost unbelievable ones?

Not many people tell stories of their personal successes where they did not encounter difficulties and why is that?

I think it's because the stories we managed to survive are the ones that move us the most.

The most painful, shameful or dangerous things - the things that were the absolute worst as we were going through them are like a badge of honour once we've made it through.

We survived to tell the tale. We grew, we gained insight into the world and/or into ourselves and our lives.

Easy successes may make for a breezy exchange over a quick drink but life-changing experiences are stories that take time.

Maybe that's what holds me back sometimes... I find myself feeling more and more introverted these days (though my closest friends would find that comment worthy of a single eyebrow raising).

I started out as an outgoing child, at least, I think I did. From what I can remember of kindergarten - I am pretty sure I did.

Then things happened to me. I was molested, I was bullied, I was disconnected from my peers in a variety of ways.

I would escape into my books and my TV shows. I would hide out in a tree and attempt to just exist.

As a teenager, I didn't want to be as alone as I felt. I had a handful of good friends but I was also very sheltered by my parents.

Held "protected" by guilt and paranoia. I wanted to live because the only other choice was going to have to be death.

So I began to read books about combating shyness and creating a persona of an extrovert.

But I ended up going to the extreme with that for a very long time.

It just seems like the balance is beyond me.

Now I still can hide away in my books, my TV shows and even in my role as a parent.

It's like I am playing hide n' go seek with myself.

"Come out, come out, wherever you are!"

The wee lamb rolled over - video

2010-07-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

My "sig line"

2010-06-30T21:43:00.002-04:00

For quite some time the signature line on one of my email addresses (the one I use for freecycle emails and astrology email etc...) has been:

"Sometimes people say something is *impossible* to protect themselves from having to make a choice..." - me, via Mom H., in a dream

And I had the dream where my late Mom spoke those words to me a few years ago when I was on a regular schedule for therapy (since T. had good benefits at that time).

One of the main things that just kept coming up and making me unhappy was the fact that I could not let go of my heart's desire to have another child while logically I knew that it was IMPOSSIBLE.

After all, my OBGYN had been quite clear when I had Little Man that there were to be no more babies.

Later on, he said it might be possible if I lost weight and I was well-monitored once I was pregnant but that it wasn't advisable, especially as I got older.

And yet, here I am now with my 3-month-old daughter -- so it truly wasn't impossible after all.

Video of the wee girl

2010-06-14T15:27:00.001-04:00

It's kind of fucked up... or I am...

2010-05-04T22:44:00.003-04:00

So I am experiencing something strange...

When Little Man was a baby, I was his primary caregiver. He looked to me to solve all his troubles and woes and to give him food, comfort and love.

Yes, my late Mom also was a big part of his universe but there was always (and still is) a special connection between my Little Man and myself.

Now with my wee Lambikins -- she really focuses a lot on T. Her eyes follow him. She's already showing signs of being a Daddy's Girl.

I can understand that - I was one of the biggest Daddy's Girls I've ever known but what's making me mental is that it is really hard to share my baby's affections.

That wasn't an issue with Little Man.

And as petty and ridiculous as it sounds, I feel a little jealous. Now as Little Man is getting older, he's still very much my boy.

He told me last week that when he dies, he wants to be buried with me and then that when he goes "back to the Baby World, I am going to choose to come be someone else but I still want to be with you."

(aside: Yes, my son seems to have an idea about soul groups within the realm of reincarnation -- have I mentioned how awesome of an almost 8-year-old that he is??)

Yes, he also really loves his Daddy and T. but statements like that, and the way he communicates with me one-on-one really show me how connected he and I are.

So now I am worrying that I'm not going to have that with my lil girl because I didn't have a great realationship with my Mom until I was an adult and I don't want that to be mirrored in my relationship Lambikins.

I suppose my relationship with Little Man is very much like my relationship I had with my Dad. Or our connection is like that (which fits with previous theories of Little Man being the reincarnation of my Dad -- see: http://fruit-of-our-loins.blogspot.com/2010/05/from-my-old-lj.html for more about that)

But I want to have a connection like that with Lambikins too... but is it possible?

Growing up, I had Mom and Dad to myself. My siblings were all out of the house by the time I was 6 years old if I recall correctly so I was alone. Dad was my partner in crime and sometimes my reluctant disciplinarian but primarily it was my Mom who got all the shit jobs (and therefore the brunt of any bad attitude or behaviour from me).

I really didn't start to understand her or appreciate her until after my Dad died, even though I always loved her.

Know what I mean?

And now I am already worried that this is how it might end up being with Lambikins and me.

*sigh*

I haven't written in a long time

2010-04-24T21:15:00.005-04:00

Being a Mom to a wee baby takes a lot more energy than I remember... of course, I'm 37 this time around whereas with Little Man I was a spritely and youthful 29 ;>

My lil lamb aka Pooptah aka Boobala aka whatever pops out of my mouth while talking to Her Royal Cuteness -- is a very sweet girl.

She is starting to cry more (she's a month old today -- she was 4 weeks old back on Wednesday) and stay awake a bit longer (though she still sleeps a thousand times more than her big brother did when he was wee).

I am worried that she doesn't make consistent eye contact (plus I often think she's either looking a lil cross-eyed or like one eye might be slightly lazy) but T. thinks I am nuts (as per usual).

One of the hardest things about parenting for me is my worst-case scenario nature. It brings out the worst parts of my panic and anxiety disorders.

But -- I'm happy. And my lil Pooptah seems to be healthy and happy so that's the important thing :>

some pics from April...

My baby girl is here!!!!!!

2010-03-28T17:39:00.004-04:00

So, I went in for my RCS on the 24th as scheduled. I was then informed I was going to be bumped back significantly. Possibly to 3:30 from my original 12:30 time.

I was *not* happy.

BTW - the online nickname I am using for my wee girl is Lamb. She makes kind of an odd goat-like noise sometimes when she is fussing but sammygirl insisted that I not get in the habit of using goat-related terminology since Little Man is almost 8 and still gets Toad and other variations and that started back when he was born.

To get me IV`d -- it took 3 different nurses 3 tries.

To get my spinal it took 2 different anesthesiologists a ton of tries to get it. It was finally done by the guy who was off-duty and found down at TH`s enjoying a beverage. But there was no way in hell I wanted a general.

During the LENGTHY amount of time where they were trying to get my spinal done -- poor T. was worrying away in another room - waiting.

I had H. take a pic of my major bruise re: the spinal last night...

It still aches and hurts almost as bad as my incision does and you can imagine how much worse it looked earlier...

Because it was taking so long - I started to panic while they were trying to give me a successful spinal. I was scared and sweating and my heart began to pound, I got dizzy and I started to step away from myself. A sense of disassociation to help keep the fear and panic somewhat at bay.

I managed to keep myself from going into a full-blown attack by working on my breathing and trying to focus on them being able to get the spinal done eventually so that T. could be with me and that I could be conscious for the grand event.

Anyway, they finally got it and then things were moving quickly.

My baby girl was delivered at 3:34 p.m. weighing 7 lbs, 9 oz and she was 20 and 1/2 inches long.

Here is the very first pic of her:

(T. did a wicked job getting this one)

Oh and she peed on my OBGYN (and me) as she was being removed.

Dr. C said: Oh look, this one`s breech and she`s peeing.

I thought that was bizarrely amusing.

T. started to cry and I didn`t UNTIL I heard her cry for the first time and then the tears came -- I was so happy and yet it all felt so surreal for hours afterwards.

Was discussing it with a few of my friends who came up and they all thought it was probably because of the meds.

I was just really afraid at first that I would suddenly be ripped out of that surreal feeling world to discover that it was all a dream (but not the kind where Patrick Duffy as Bobby Ewing steps out of your shower -- for you younger folks, that was a reference to DALLAS - a TV show I loved as a kid).

My hospital stay was rather horrid. Great nurses (except for the 2 who kept trying to get me to supplement with formula because my wee girl was having latching issues) but the rooms!

ARRGH!

We had semi-private coverage but night one, we were in a ward room because the semi`s were all taken.

Horrible - loud - annoying!

Next day I was lucky enough to get moved into a semi-private. It was BETTER but the other mom in the room had a baby that was louder and fussier than mine so lack of sleep continued to be an issue.

Then, my last night -- my roomie was moved to a private room (as she`d been waiting for) and I stupidly thought we`d have ONE decent night of sleep.

So wrong...

They brought in a woman who`d been sectioned that same night into the room with her hubby and baby around 2 a.m.

That night I got maybe 2 hrs of sleep TOTAL.

But I was thrilled to get home yesterday with my lil girl.

There are some slight concerns re: her weight and her colour (she lost over 8% of her birth weight and she`s slightly jaundiced) but I have my follow-up baby appt tomorrow.

Baby needs boob now but I may edit this post and add to it later.

BTW - pic of baby I snapped today:

Been exhausted for days but still no baby

2010-03-11T23:11:00.002-05:00

A good friend recalls I was like this shortly before having Little Man so we'll have to wait and see if I make it to my March 24th c-section date or not.

I haven't been online much - except for reading baby-related stuff and posting about celebrities who have died.

Not feeling very introspective -- not really focused on myself at all right now.

Though obsessing about the upcoming birth of my 2nd child --- that's been at the top of my daily to-do list.

Anyway, just a quick update to say -- I am alive.

And sammygirl and T. have been sent invites to author on my blog so once there is baby news -- it'll hit the net :>

99 things (stolen from T.)

2010-03-07T11:18:00.002-05:00

1. PICK OUT A SCAR YOU HAVE, AND EXPLAIN HOW YOU GOT IT?
Across my back - heart surgery when I was 2 weeks old (in 1972) because I had Patent ductus arteriosus. http://www.schneiderchildrenshospital.org/peds_html_fixed/peds/hrnewborn/pda.htm

2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
My awesome Sailor Moon print!

3.WHAT DOES YOUR PHONE LOOK LIKE?
silver

4.WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
it's a real hodge-podge of genres

5.WHAT IS YOUR CURRENT DESKTOP PICTURE?
Stonehenge

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To jump ahead in time to when the baby is born ;>

7.DO YOU BELIEVE IN GAY MARRIAGE?
Certainly!

8.WHAT TIME WERE YOU BORN?
3:11 AM

9. ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL TOGETHER?
My parents were together until my Dad died. My birth parents split up before I was born.

10. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
nothing at the moment - but I've got a movie on pause

11. DO YOU GET SCARED OF THE DARK?
Nope

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
can I just say pregnancy hormones?

13.WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
no real preference

14. DO YOU LIKE PAINKILLERS?
when I have a migraine I do

15. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINKS?
neither

16. FAVE PIZZA TOPPING?
Double cheese, double pepperoni, Italian sausage and bacon

17. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
chocolate cheesecake

18. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Tony

19. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
Nope

20.WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT SOMEONE GAVE YOU?
baby shower gifts for the baby and myself

21.DO YOU LIKE SOMEONE?
I like lots of people and I love a lot of people too

22.ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope

23. FAVORITE FRIEND?
My inner circle peeps :>

24. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
I don't really have one but I still like Volvo station wagons

25. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTER-LIFE?
You betcha!

26. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE?
Awesome if it's with the right person

27. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Everybody leaves in some way, some day - so yes

28. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
use your words :>

29. Say a number from 1-100.
66

30. BLONDE OR BRUNETTE?
Brunette

32. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
People not listening to me when I am right and then fucking something up because they didn't listen.

33. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE U.K.?
I've never been IN the U.K.

34. YOUR WEAKNESS?
anxiety

35. WHAT WAS THE LAST GIFT YOU GAVE?
Christmas presents

36. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVOURITE HOLIDAY?
B.C. in 1994

37. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
Yes

38. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE THIS?
Watching the movie that is on pause

39. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
After the baby, I'd be TEMPTED to get a tummy tuck and a minor breast reduction (just down to a D or a C)

40. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My intelligence, my humour, my son

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
I'd be irked - I don't drink often but I want to have the option

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
spa gift certificate for a pedicure or a massage

45. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My middle name was after my godmother

46. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
Yes

48. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
none

49. WHAT UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING?
none

50.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
NOOO I've always been a sloppy cursive writer

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE VEGETABLE?
Corn, potatoes, red peppers!!

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
nail-biting, negative self-talk, inability to make change because of fear of failure

53. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF?
Tony would say NKOTB or pretty much anything in my collection that he doesn't listen to. I'm not embarrassed by any of it.

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Without hesitation - I am an awesome friends

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Yes

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
To some extent

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE YOUR ANGER?
Yell, cry, talk to my friends, blog

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
with some of my friends

59. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
Probably too easily

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE?
Raggedy Ann doll, Wonder Woman barbie style doll, skipping rope, dinky cars

61. ARE YOU AFRAID OF GROWING UP?
Always have been I think

62. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
*raises an eyebrow* - take a wild guess

63. ARE YOU RELIGIOUS?
spiritual NOT religious

64. DOES 11:11 MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
On a digital clock, make a wish - for a date -- my sister C's birthday/Remembrance Day

66. DO YOU GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
I did

67. WHAT IS THE MOST PAIN YOU HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED?
My parents dying

68. DO YOU UN-TIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
No

69. LAST THING YOU SPILLED?
pizza dip - it exploded rather than me spilling it though

70. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?
2 cats 1 dog

71. WHAT IS THE LAST FURRY THING YOU TOUCHED?
Schnickz

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLORS?
royal purple, electric blue

73. WHAT'S THE LAST BOOK YOU READ?
Men in Love - Nancy Friday

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
None

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
*shrug*

76. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM VACATION?
Scotland

77. LAST THING YOU ATE/DRANK?
saltine crackers/Pepsi

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
H.

79. WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ON THE SAME SEX?
Eyes

80. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?
yes

81. FAVOURITE THING TO HATE
Dishes

82. FAVOURITE DRINK?
Pepsi

83. FAVOURITE ZODIAC SIGN?
Libra!

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT?
Watching - ice dance

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOUR?
Brown )

86. EYE COLOUR?
Brown

87. TALL OR SMALL?
Medium

88. SIBLINGS?
2 sisters, 1 brother; 1 half-sister; 2 half-brothers

89. FAVOURITE MONTH?
October

90. DO YOU LIKE SUSHI?
NO

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED?
the movie that is still on pause

92. FAVOURITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Halloween

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
it's been so long since I had to - I don't remember

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Neither -- AUTUMN!!!!!!!!!

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationship

97. WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Don't know

98. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Same answer

99. BIGGEST FEAR(S)?
Me dying while the kids are young or one of the kids dying

countdown to baby

2010-03-06T11:44:00.001-05:00

I am 36 wks pregnant today.

I have 18 days until my scheduled c-section.

I am not blogging a lot and it's my pregnancy blog that gets the most "action" these days.

stolen from T. who stole it from Barry

2010-02-26T18:39:00.002-05:00

If I could be a month, I’d be October.
If I could be a day of the week, I’d be Saturday.
If I could be a time of day, I’d be 2:13 a.m.
If I could be a planet, I’d be Mars.
If I could be a sea animal, I’d be a dolphin.

If I could be a direction, I’d be north.
If I could be a piece of furniture, I’d be a book shelf.
If I could be a liquid, I’d be Crown Royal.
If I could be a gemstone, I’d be an opal or an amethyest.
If I could be a tree, I’d be a maple.

If I could be a tool, I’d be a pen.
If I could be a flower, I’d be a a snap dragon.
If I could be a kind of weather, I’d be a thunderstorm.
If I could be a musical instrument, I’d be a violin.

If I could be a color, I’d be royal purple.
If I could be an emotion, I’d WANT to be happiness but I'd probably be anxiety.
If I could be a fruit, I’d be a golden delicious apple.
If I could be a sound, I’d be laughter.
If I could be an element, I’d be air.

If I could be a car, I’d be a Volvo station wagon OR some sort of hybrid.
If I could be a food, I'd be homemade chocolate cream pie.
If I could be a place, I’d be home.
If I could be a material, I’d be flannel.
If I could be a taste, I’d be tangy.
If I could be a scent, I’d smell like birthday cake.
If I could be an object, I’d be a novel that you couldn't put down.

If I could be a body part, I’d probably be a mouth.
If I could be a facial expression, I’d be smile.
If I could be a song, I’d be "Homeward" by VNV Nation
If I could be a pair of shoes, I’d be black, knee-length, leather boots - like what I used to wear in my Goth days.

Bloggers over Borders

2010-02-17T23:33:00.003-05:00

OK so my friend Barry - T's best friend since high school... proposed a Bloggers over Borders idea in one of his blog posts: http://life-in-quotations.blogspot.com/2009/12/bloggers-over-borders.html

So T. and I decided to participate...

The question is -- what to send???

In the email listing the person and blog I am sending to, Barry wrote, "Remember you'll be sending an item which says something about you. It could be anything that expresses who you are; something you’ve written, a picture you’ve taken, a trinket you’ve made, a collage with photos, etc.

"It doesn't need to be anything big or elaborate, but something that holds meaning to you and represents who you are. Please also include at least ten random facts about yourself, as well as a few words about what you've found interesting on this blog."

What represents who I am at this moment in my life?

Or what represents me overall? The first thing I thought was a pic collage of Little Man, Rhyme Girl, T. and some of my friends...

Or should it be a collage with things from baby magazines since my life is so focused on my pregnancy?

What about Mom and Dad H.? A pic of their grave? A pic of my fav gargoyle wearing Daddy's hat?

Its got to be photo-related since I try to express happiness (and record happiness so I can remember it later when I am depressed) with photos.

Whereas my writing is usually to express other things.

But yeah, right now -- I'm feeling confused. What to send? What to send?

AI post

2010-02-17T22:25:00.002-05:00

extremely SHORT post

Going into the top 24

My fav girl - Crystal Bowersox

My fav guy - Andrew Garcia

And the girl I am irked didn't make it to the Top 24...

Angela Martin

Baby list - stuff we're going to have to get at some point

2010-02-12T14:59:00.002-05:00

This is the list I sent (upon request) to my friends who are throwing my baby shower at the end of this month... of course, I don't expect people to buy us a ton of stuff - but this is also the list for T. and myself...

infant car seat
- check expiry dates for loaners/hand-me-downs OR find a new one that will fit nicely in the PT Cruiser and leave room for Little Man and Rhyme Girl to sit in the back as well
- have heard they now have ones with detachable bases so you can buy two bases and switch the seat from car to car with less effort but I know squat about how they are nowadays

breast-feeding pillow
- Boppy or boppy style not the "boomerang" style -- (have seen boppy styles available at 2nd hand stores but haven't checked prices but I can get a Boppy in the right position even at this size)

breast pump and compatible bottles & nipples designed to prevent nipple confusion
- probably an Avent Isis since that's what I had with Little Man and they had bottles and sippy cups that were compatible with the pump too

Lansinoh Disposable Nursing Pads

Lansinoh Lanolin Topical Treatment <-- a godsend when I was breast-feeding Little Man

sleep positioner
- I had one of these for Little Man and it was awesome... this could be used as a suggestion for someone since it's under $20
http://www.toysrus.ca/product/index.jsp?productId=2689244&cp=2582953.2671174.2671174&parentPage=family

infant thermometer <-- forehead style or anything not administered rectally (ewww)

infant grooming kit
- baby nail clippers
- finger-fit gum brush
- nasal asperator

gender neutral diaper bag(s) <-- some Moms say it's handy to have one per vehicle in case you forget but I don't know since when Little Man was wee - the ex and I had one vehicle

portable diaper changing pads <-- (probably 3 - one for each car and one for the house)

diapers and unscented diaper wipes

NUK pacifiers <-- to prevent nipple confusion (and zelcro attacher so I can affix it to baby's outfit)

pack'n'play playpen <-- 2nd hand or a loaner - for when we are out visiting so baby has somewhere to nap - have one hand-me-down to be a perm. fixture in our living room but one for when on the go would be handy too

linens and such
- crib sheets/bedding
- baby washclothes
- baby blankets (for swaddling or massive spit up)

Clothes
- warm sleepers with either drawstring bottoms or the ones that have more room for bigger feet since I'm sure the baby will have the curse of big feet like Little Man and I do...
- onesies
- any outfits with easy diaper access that are gender-neutral in colour (black, purple, dark blue, dark green, orange, red) hilarious sayings are welcome :>

Odds and Ends
- penaten cream (diaper rash)
- Johnson and Johnson's baby wash (yellow one or the menthol - no lavendar)
- Gripe Water usually with the colour orange on the package (with dill in the ingredients not licorice - that type is usually packaged with the colour purple on it)
- Vitamin D drops
- baby hair brush and comb

Car mirror (to help observe baby in the rear-facing position)

baby dishware - microwavable (not till 6-9 months)
- bowls
- plates
- utensils

moody

2010-02-04T22:23:00.003-05:00

One nice thing: T. made a really sweet post on his blog near the end of January...

Check it out HERE

Heartburn and life are getting me down at the moment.

There's a lot of strife happening in lives I am connected to.

Little Man has been so challenging this week. And he kicked me in the stomach during a tantrum after school today.

Baby is moving fine and there's been no bleeding or anything but #1 it scared me and #2 it really made me mad.

ARRGH!

But, I'm alive and I guess that's what counts.

Hmmmn

2010-01-23T11:54:00.004-05:00

I've been going through a lot of emotions for the past while. And I'm sure most of it is due to pregnancy-related hormone changes, but I haven't really written about much of it.

Yes, I've been plagued by an overpowering fear that somehow I will not survive the birth of this baby because I have had EXTREME difficulty picturing life after I have the baby.

However; my update is that I have been able to picture sitting on the bed, breast-feeding the baby with Little Man at my side, asking questions ONCE.

So it's an improvement at the very least.

On the other hand, I find myself wondering what will happen if the baby is neurologically TYPICAL. All my Mom experience has been with my wonderful, entertaining, Little Man who is considered atypical because of his autism diagnosis.

Seeing my great-niece and my great-nephew and where they are developmentally for their ages (1 and almost 3, respectively) makes me see how different Little Man was at those same ages.

Will it be more challenging? Or will it be somehow LESS rewarding when meeting developmental goals could come much more easily than they did with Little Man?

Having a child with autism and a step-child with ADHD -- is this going to make me a better Mom to the baby-on-the-way, whether or not (s)he is "typical" or "atypical" -- I really do wonder.

That being said, I currently plan on doing delayed vaccinations for baby-to-be (just in case) and I will be watching closely for milestones and any hint at behaviourial markers that might fall under the special needs umbrella.

Anyway, so there's a short update. I need some (looks at time) BRUNCH I guess...

Ciao!

Looking fwd to the New Year and a new decade

2009-12-31T23:19:00.003-05:00

I usually reflect on the year I've just experienced and then start hoping for what the new year shall bring.

But today I've found myself thinking about the decade as a whole. A lot of sad and stressful things with a smattering of great moments here and there.

Since the year 2000...

I was married (in hindsight - it was a bad thing)
I had my amazing son (high point of the decade)
I had some new friends come into my life, some old friends go (and some happily return after time apart :>).
My Mom died (lowest point of the decade).
Fetish, the best cat I've ever owned or known, died.
Little Man was diagnosed with autism (not a low point or a high point just an on-going challenge that I do my best to rise to daily).
T. & I got together (another high point).
T. & I had a surprise pregnancy followed by a miscarriage (low point).
T. & I then got pregnant with our miracle baby (due in 2010) <-- MAJOR high point!!!
I got back in touch with my half-brother in 2008 (high point).
I've struggled with my weight, my health, my self-esteem, my personal issues.
I became a Great Aunt (twice so far!!!) <--- high point! :>
I've attended weddings and funerals.
I had an emergency C-section.
I had a LEEP to deal with the results of a biopsy.
I've laughed, I've cried, I've loved.
I've written, I've danced, I've taken photos.
I've remembered things better left forgotten.
And I'm sure I've forgotten some things that I will wish I could remember.

Overall, the important thing is that I've survived. And I've loved. And I plan to continue BOTH of those things in the new year.

And I wish a joyous decade for us all :>

A serious chat with my Little Man

2009-12-23T14:24:00.003-05:00

This afternoon, Little Man curled up with me on the couch and we had a talk.

It's come up a few times, where he's asked me if I might go to Heaven when I have the baby.

Apparently that happened to one of the Mom's of his classmate's from last year.

I told Little Man that I certainly hope that that WON'T happen and that we should send out good thoughts and prayers so that when it's time for me to have the baby, that hopefully everything will be OK.

Little Man asked what would happen if it wasn't OK.

I said I really didn't know. But I asked him whether or not he'd want to stay here with T. and still see his Daddy on every other wkend or if he'd want to move and live with his Daddy.

He thought about it for awhile and said he'd want to stay here with T. or at S-n-J's so he could still go to his same school, to his Kung Fu and see all his friends here and then go to his Daddy's every other wkend.

Of course, I don't even know how something like that would work -- and hopefully it's not something that my family will have to go through.

Little Man said he'd be very sad if I went to Heaven and that he wants me to live to be 1000 years old.

I really try not to worry about all this, and yet, I do. And I refuse to lie to Little Man and promise it will be OK -- but I did tell him that if I have any choice in the matter that I'll stay with him as long as I can.

It's now 3 months until the approximate date that I will have my C-section.

Here's hoping it all goes well.

Some people's children...

2009-12-21T22:58:00.003-05:00

Isn't it sometimes remarkable how two people, raised in the same household, can turn out quite different from one another?

The other wk I was really irked because of a phone call from an intoxicated member of T.'s family -- I did not blog about it, I vented to some of my friends but I didn't blog about it.

Now this evening, low and behold, another obnoxious phone call. Keep in mind that I wasn't actually ON the phone for any of these calls, but I could hear T.'s end of it and often the loud voice on the other end of the line as well.

The person in question has no business calling here and ragging out on T. for things that are none of her business.

I'm not even going to mention most of what she was ranting about this time except for the one thing that makes me fucking LIVID.

Ranting about our baby-to-be.

And this is not the first time.

When T. first mentioned it on his FB - she wrote something rude that he deleted.

Then we found out from T.'s parents that she called THEM and freaked out about us having this baby.

She mentioned it, in passing, in the drunken call last wk and then she went on about it to T. tonight.

Is it empty-nest jealousy?

Sheer nosiness?

Or is she just bloody obnoxious all the time?

Our baby is none of her business.

We're happy and the people who love us are happy.

That's what counts.

I am really fucking pissed off this morning

2009-12-13T10:03:00.007-05:00

I don't think I've ever really addressed it in this blog (or maybe I have but I do not remember) but I have always had an issue with pornography.

Erotic writing, or nude art depicting non-sexual poses... just naturalness were acceptable (the writing more than acceptable).

Over the years I've grown a little more open to it. Even enjoyed watching some of it with whatever partner I was with. But there are still things that bother me about it.

If you are being secretive about it. That means you feel or KNOW that you are doing something wrong.

I've been open about my feelings on the topic of porn with all the partners that I have had.

My son's father -- was completely disrespectful about it. It was probably the #2 cause of some of our largest, and loudest arguments.

In unpacking some old computer DVDs earlier this year with T. -- we actually found a CD file of some of my ex's downloads and I showed T. and explained why I objected to it.

In general, T. has been decent about respecting how I feel about it. He knows it's cool if we watch it together, if he wants to read something, and I even offered him the chance to buy some magazines for his personal pleasure (though he refused because he said he was afraid the kids could find something like that).

Even so, we have had 3 or 4 (not sure because one instance happened when an ex-friend was crashing here and I could not pinpoint which of them did it since they both denied it) prior instances where he was looking at things online. And that is the type of porn I object to the most.

Why, you may ask?

Because the things he looks at online are REAL people. He doesn't look at the air-brushed magazine stuff -- he looks at real pictures of real women who actually exist as they are portrayed in the photos.

And that makes me crazy angry and extremely hurt.

Even worse is the fact that this is exactly what was going on the last time I was carrying a baby to term -- different guy (Little Man's father) but otherwise -- what's the difference here?

T. knows this and it has been discussed that if he wants to watch it, to let me know. I want open disclosure and he has promised it, time and time again.

T. could take a page out of Little Man's book since he has proudly announced, numerous times in the past that he is, "...going to play with [his] penis now, OK?" before heading upstairs to his room.

The worst part about this is the fact that when it's come up T. promises and promises that it's not going to happen again and he shoots down my suggestions of having a "porn box" with magazines and a lock that he can use.

So what I find myself questioning is this -- is the act of deceit part of the goddamn turn-on????

I shouldn't have to police him. And I don't want to.

I want him to keep his promises in this area and it distresses me far more than I can manage to put into words that he will not.

____

Edited to add that I am going to backdate and enter two posts (maybe into one big one) that are from my former cagewench LJ from 2002 which address this topic. When I do that, I will then edit this again to add a link.

Otherwise, you can click on the post tag "porn" and you should be able to find it.

The post is here: http://synchronistic-catalyst.blogspot.com/2009/12/old-posts-on-touchy-topic.html

Dreaming of my Mom

2009-12-05T06:36:00.006-05:00

You might ask yourself why I am up at 6:36 a.m. (as I've begun typing this)... I've actually been awake for awhile but it all started, I guess, with a dream.

Those who know me IRL are aware that I often have very vivid, but odd dreams. However; when I woke up about half an hour ago to go pee, I had had a very normal dream.

We were all at my Mom's house. T., Little Man, Rhyme Girl and our friends, K&R and their two boys.

Mom was in her rocking chair, having a Pepsi and laughing at Little Man and his two friends as they were playing in front of the TV with some Hot Wheels cars and she called our friends youngest son "a real firecracker."

Rhyme Girl was laying on the floor, colouring or drawing a picture while Skippy the evil dog sort of hung out to her side and was watching her.

T. & I were on the couch and K&R were on the loveseat and we were all talking and laughing and smiling and having a great time - knowing that soon enough there would be another little one ready to play.

K made a comment about how my Mom and I shared our taste in furniture and I didn't think anything of it.

It was a great dream. So great and real that I forgot that my Mom died in 2004 and the first instant where I woke up I thought, what a strange, normal dream for me to have and then it hit me...

That Mom was dead. And I was just overwhelmed with grief and sadness and I couldn't stop crying.

T. got me a roll of toilet paper for blowing my nose and a fresh from the fridge, icy cold, bottle of water after I got up and went to the bathroom.

And he held me and rubbed my back and talked to me while I cried. And even though my beliefs are a bit farther out there, so to speak, than his own. He said he thought it was a sign from my Mom.

That she'd managed to get through to me to let me know that this pregnancy was going to turn out well.

I'll add that I believe she's happy for me and the family that I have built since she passed.

Then T. and I cuddled and I talked a bit about Mom and then Dad as well. I think we might make a quick trip to their grave today after lunch, well before we go to the Xmas party at B&S's in Ajax.

I wasn't sure that I'd be able to go back to sleep right away and T. was very understanding and even encouraged me to come down and write in my blog before I forgot anything.

*sigh*

I love you, Mom... message recieved.

Little Man & Mom - July 2004 (she died Nov 2, 2004)

Skippy - Jan 2004 (he died in March 2004)

This really bothers me...

2009-11-30T10:07:00.004-05:00

There is a 6-year-old boy who has autism who is being "excluded" from his public school.

My ex mentioned this to me as he heard about it on 570news. I've tried googling the name "Mason Fry" and I've checked on the website of a local paper but I have not come up with anything other than the original 2-part podcast on 570news.

Part 1: http://www.570news.com/listen/jeff-allan/media.jsp?content=20091126_130917_6388

Part 2: http://www.570news.com/listen/jeff-allan/media.jsp?content=20091126_131240_7708

Now I would have to say that I've been very lucky with Little Man and his school experiences thus far (he's in Grade 2) *knocks wood*

I think it is absolutely heart-breaking for this little boy to be excluded. It's wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Another Mom I know has been having a rough time dealing with her TO-area school.

There has been a major rise in the news media in general, re: autism awareness.

I've read upsetting stories about children being excluded or treated badly etc and I've read some wonderful success stories about including child with autism.

They bring so much into your life.

Little Man did junior kindergarten in a specialized class with a total of 8 children. There was one teacher and 2 assistants and the children in the class were in various places on the autism spectrum.

My son was one of the highest-functioning children in the class. But he got to that point because he participated in speech and occupational therapy before entering JK and then there was a lot of hands-on therapy occuring during class.

Little Man is currently in Grade 2 in a regular class in our local public school. His teacher this year has a background in autism and sometimes there is an EA in the classroom (though that person is not assigned specifically to my son).

I would be livid if I was going through what the Fry family is experiencing with their young son.

And I wish them all the best.

StorkCraft drop-side crib recall

2009-11-26T12:13:00.002-05:00

This is making me crazy...

Cannot get the website to load and the toll free # is constantly busy.

You see, Little Man's former crib is a drop-side Storkcraft and I was thinking of using it for the Wee One when (s)he is born.

But now -- not sure wtf will go on.

Anyway, so i remember where it is -- my info on Little Man's former crib is:

Stork Craft Mfg, Inc
Richmond Hill, BC
Model 65607 Reg No.9179
March 2, 2002

Stork Craft toll-free at (877) 274-0277 to order the free repair kit

storkcraft.com

What is it with laughing that leaves me in tears?

2009-11-09T00:31:00.002-05:00

OK,

So those who know me, know that I have issues with innappropriate laughter, especially when I am in a situation that is emotionally uncomfortable.

But one of the other issues I've had for as long as I can remember is that if something really makes me laugh that I have to be careful because when I start really laughing, I will often then start crying.

If I am unable to stop the crying -- well then it just goes to this deep emotional pit and I will turn from happy/amused to a level of sadness that I cannot even put into words.

And then I will sob from the depths of my soul.

I find it embarrasing and if I can tell I'm headed that way, I try to get away from people and do it in private.

However, on the other side of the embarrassment is a sensation of relief and temporary lightness, as if I've managed to slide some invisible burden from me.

Thought I'd write about it right now since it started to happen last night.

Little Man came downstairs and said he needed a bath because he'd stepped in poo.

I asked him where he'd stepped in poo.

He said in the bathroom.

I asked how he stepped in poo in the bathroom.

He said he didn't know, that he'd just been up there going poo and then he wiped his bum and was washing his hands and said he stepped in a piece of poo.

I asked him to show me his feet -- nothing poo-like in evidence.

But the whole thing began to strike me as funny and I started to laugh uncontrollably and soon there were tears streaming down my face and I couldn't even speak.

I managed to make it into my bedroom and stop myself, but it was a challenge.

But the thing is, when I have a big cry like I was afraid was on the way, it takes a physical toll on me as well as an emotional one and for all the good I may feel emotionally after one of those crazy crys... it is physically painful to me.

Toughest thing right now is the fact that I am more emotional than normal (and at my normal, I would say I am more emotional than most people).

*sigh*

I need to rant... thanks to media frenzy

2009-11-05T23:34:00.004-05:00

I am getting really sick of hearing about H1N1.

If my friends and family are choosing to get the immunization -- more power to them. I don't fault people for choosing to get it nor do I think ill of those who choose to NOT get it.

But I am bloody well sick of all the media frenzy about it... it's scaring the crap out of people.

There was a news story today, which was sad. A 2-month-old boy died. They featured it in the beginning of the news under the header of "H1N1 Watch" (or something like that).

My concern was that it was then stated, in passing, that it was not known whether or not the child actually died of H1N1 (but the parents said the coroner said so to them). Either the child did pass away because of it or the child did not.

One would think that if the coroner actually had the facts, that then THAT would have featured prominently in the piece rather than the brief disclaimer that it wasn't yet known for certain.

Also, in the feature, the mother stated that, "It looked like he was sleeping so I went to turn him over onto his back and his lips were blue."

I thought every parent knew that it is NOT recommended for infants to sleep on their stomachs because it increases the risk of accidental suffocation and putting a baby "back to sleep" (on their back) is mentioned as a way to try to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

My heart breaks for this family... losing their baby. It's sad and it's tragic, but was it H1N1?

Who knows?

BTW, I did google the story and I came across the baby's obit. The last line is as follows:

Those wishing to make a donation in memory of Ethan are asked to consider S.I.D.S.

But as it stands now -- oh no, it's H1N1.

I expect any day now to see other things attributed to H1N1...

Snowfall begins, media sources blame H1N1

New evidence discovered -- H1N1 was on the grassy knoll in Dallas

Pile-up on the 401, H1N1 charged with impaired driving

H1N1 was in the iceberg that sank the Titanic...

Geraldo Rivera was WRONG - Al Capone's vault wasn't empty - it was the hide-out of H1N1...

The possibilities are endless.

Just keep watching the news and see

So I have another stubborn baby

2009-11-05T17:52:00.003-05:00

Those who knew me back when I was pregnant with Little Man may recall how frustrated I was that my baby chose to "play shy" during ultrasounds.

Well, I've got another one - LOL!

Had my 18 wk ultrasound today and the tech told me that the baby kept its legs closed the entire time.

But what I do know is that I have a healthy, growing baby who was moving nicely. All the measurements are within the norm and everything looks great.

The ultrasound pushed my EDD back on day to April 3rd. Though with a scheduled C-section I believe my OBGYN will take me in a wk to two wks before my EDD.

If so, that would mean the earliest would be March 20th (my Dad's death-iversary).

Don't see the OBGYN until Dec 9th, so I guess I'll have a better idea then. Oh and I have my pre-birth clinic appt at the hospital tomorrow morning.

Little Man was excited to come in and see the baby on the screen. The baby was waving it's right arm and the tech said, "Look, the baby's saying, 'Hi, big brother.'"

Little Man sort of had an odd look on his face and then he said, "Hi baby!" and then he waved.

T. held my hand and seemed happy that now I get to be relieved (again) that the baby is doing well.

Here's one of the ultrasound pics:

Thinking about my Mom today...

2009-11-02T12:09:00.004-05:00

My Mom died 5 years ago today.

Making me, officially, an "adult orphan" as my Dad died in 1993.

I do have a relationship with my birth Mom - but it's different because I didn't meet her until I was 18.

Whereas the parents who loved me and raised me are both gone.

Somehow, it seems a little easier this year. Probably because I am pregnant and instead of being so sad that they are gone, I have been thinking more about the fact that both of my parents would be THRILLED that I am having another baby.

They were both big fans of children.

They were foster parents for 13 years (which is how they ended up getting me) and they had 3 children of their own before they eventually ended up adopting me.

I think some of the best times my Mom had in the last year of her life were the times she spent with Torin. He was her "Little Man."

She did some odd things like giving him a sip of Pepsi out of her glass when he wasn't even eating solids yet (Mom's comment: "It's OK [my name], he likes it.")

She would rejoice in the fact that she also has a great-grandson and a great-granddaughter.

And she'd be telling me her predictions on whether or not I am going to have a boy or a girl this time.

While my Dad would just be enchanted by all the little ones. And would tease me about whether or not the one-to-come would talk as much as I did when I was a kid.

My son remembers my Mom... but he seems to have a different idea about things like death - perhaps because he has autism, or maybe it's just the way he thinks period.

Hard to say.

Last wk I attended a memorial service for my friend's Mom. I had actually met his Mom before I met him as I was once good friends with his older brother. Years later, I met him and he and my best friend fell in love and got married.

Anyway, it was the first service (not just a visitation) that I have attended since my Mom died.

Sometimes I got sad, because it made me think of my late parents, sometimes I got sad for my friends who lost their Mom/mother-in-law, sometimes I got sad because I was feeling all the emotions around me.

The part where I stopped being sad was when I was distracted by orange-shirt guy. But I might write about him later.

My final note on this is that Little Man was quite firm in his belief that his Uncle J's Mom would have a friend in Heaven because since she's be there and my Mom is there and they both know Little Man that they'd be friends and could talk about him.

My son thinks he's the center of the universe and he is awesome.

What is going on in the world?

2009-10-27T00:45:00.002-04:00

Heard on the news - another child with autism whose parent was charged with their murder.

This breaks my heart. Any time I read or hear about a case of a parent killing their child(ren) but it is so much worse when it is about a child with autism since it makes me think of Little Man.

Now, those who know us IRL are aware that he is in the higher-functioning end of the spectrum.

In fact, I had my IEP meeting with his teacher last week and she says he's a joy to have in the class and that he responds well to certain verbal cues to re-direct his attention to where it is meant to be and that, essentially, he is rarely an issue in the classroom.

I love and cherish my Little Man and I know how stressful it can be, especially when I think back to how he was when he was, essentially, non-verbal and acting out far more than just frequently.

I do not understand why there are not more readily available supports for children and families dealing with autism, as well as other disorders, diseases and disabilites in general.

Who looks after the mental health of these care-givers?

Someone should be.

Yesterday was my 37th birthday

2009-10-12T21:33:00.001-04:00

So yeah, here I am - 3 yrs away from turning 40!!!!

Today, I am 15 wks and 1 day pregnant with my second child.

We have a named picked out if the baby is male but trying to find a female name is IMPOSSIBLE!

Though it is impossible largely in part due to the fact that I do not want any name that has been on the top baby names list for Canada or the U.S. for the past DECADE.

Little Man has a unique name and I do not want my baby bump to be born and eventually bitch me out for his/her brother for possessing a cooler, more awesome name.

Add to this that T. likes more traditional names and I like the more unique ones.

Blame my parents. I grew up with a unique name and I want the same thing for my own children :>

I've been on babycenter.com and a lot of names I was considering that have not been popular lately are showing up on posts by people expecting next year.

So I have to scratch off potentials like Cadence and Vivian (Vivianne or Vivianna) amoung others.

*sigh*

Tired

2009-10-06T13:30:00.000-04:00

Yep, I've been tired lately and then on Sunday one of my friend's lost her father to a sudden heart attack.

This week, we have a visitation to attend at the funeral home, a wedding and Little Man has a birthday party to go to.

I am 14 wks pregnant and counting - so that's going well so far although I have to confess that some of the aches and pains are freaking me out.

You see, when I was carrying Little Man -- I had all-day (almost all-pregnancy) sickness so I think the fact that I am less vomitty with this baby means I am noticing things that I was too busy puking during my last pregnancy to notice.

from: http://www.parents.com/pregnancy/my-body/aches-pains/pregnancy-pelvic-pain/

It's very common for mothers-to-be to feel twinges and aches in their lower abdominal area, especially during the first and second trimesters. As the uterus expands, the round ligaments (elastic bands of tissue) that support it are stretched and pulled. You may feel this as a sharp pain or a dull crampiness on one or both sides of your abdomen.

I seriously don't remember this... though I also did not recall how car sick I was when I was pregnant with Little Man until I was reminded of it on the phone by his godmother.

I am pleased to say that I am sleeping better, although my energy level has not returned yet.

I am thrilled that we have a boy's name picked out and I hope to have a girl's name picked out soon.

That being said, if my next ultrasound shows the gender -- we WANT to find out but it'll be damn hard trying to keep it a secret.

Who wants to bet we just cave and tell everyone if we get to find out before the birth?

:>

My poor man... TMI TMI TMI

2009-10-03T00:34:00.000-04:00

So I had an appointment at the DR today. And I dragged T. with me.

They took blood and set up another appointment for me and are getting in touch with my prefered OBGYN and we had to answer some lame questions.

Honestly, what do our occupations and levels of education have to do with having our baby?

So T. got to be there for the breast exam and my pelvic exam.

He felt very awkward.

I guess most men wouldn't enjoy seeing another guy insert a couple of fingers and feel for their women's ovaries.

It's official - I'm having a baby!

2009-09-28T20:46:00.000-04:00

But my baby posts will be in their own blog: HERE

Can I come up with something?

2009-09-26T23:52:00.003-04:00

OK so a friend and then T. both wrote blog posts about some of the memorable things they've done in their lives.

I am having difficulty coming up with a list but I'll attempt it:

- survived heart surgery as an infant
- found my biological parents as a teen
- rode on top of a moving fuel oil delivery truck when I was maybe in gr 7(?) until my Dad realized I was hiding up there and stopped driving
- had strange encounters around Ouija boards
- experienced paranormal phenomena
- lived in B.C. for a month with friends in 1994
- lived through a lot of odd experiences when I was young, single and drunk - LOL!
- despite my fear of travel and paranoia of crossing the border, I've been to NYC, Chicago and Buffalo
- I attended the first Convergence
- I've met all the dancers on the tours of SYTYCD S2 - S4 and SYTYCD Canada S1 (except for Miles who was ill)
- I have always managed to have wonderful, creative, loving friends
- I survived an extremely terrifying labour & emergency C-section
- I have an amazing son and I love him with all my heart and he says he loves me "the most"
- I cared for my mother during the last months of her illness until she had to be placed in a professional hospital for care to keep her in her home as long as possible
- I have survived many negative experiences and can still find humour in life
- I am with a man whom I love and who loves me back
- I have a step-daughter whom I love and who loves me back

Edited to add - a friend of mine added that I helped her find her birth mom and I went with her to meet her and I supported her emotionally when that did not pan out.

Victims of the Clip and Clop

2009-09-26T16:14:00.005-04:00

What do you call what was probably going to be a hit-and-run if the person doing the hitting and running (though he did stop and talk to T. briefly) when it's a Mennonite driving 2 horses attached to a wagon?

Seriously, I want to know.

Anyway, decided to go for a drive and get some air and we ended up at the graveyard where my parents are buried.

We were pulled off to the side on the gravel and had been there for awhile when the tell-tale sounds of horses approached.

As we stood and watched the Mennonite man driving the team misjudged the distance between his vehicle and our parked one.

The car shook as he hit it. He continued to move forward so I yelled at T. "Is the car OK, go check and stop that guy!"

At that, the guy held his team in check and T. looked at the car and then he spoke to the Mennonite guy for a minute.

I had been farther back so I missed the exchange.

My car seems to be none the worse for wear but I just thought it was oddly funny.

Hmmmn...

2009-09-26T12:55:00.000-04:00

Lots of things on my mind.

None that I am ready to write about here.

Here's hoping I have happy things to share in the future :>

TV Talk - Cougar Town

2009-09-24T14:04:00.003-04:00

So I heard about this show and I wasn't sure it was going to be my cup of tea but T. and I sat down to watch it this afternoon and we both found it entertaining.

Though I cannot believe the beginning scene was C.C's real stomach. I just can't. I'm calling stunt tummy on that one.

She seems far too concerned as to what or whom her sorority-shagging neighbour, Grayson (who I remember as Roger from "Swingtown" or Temperance's douche ex-prof and ex-lover from a S1 ep of Bones), is doing and we first see him walking a young lady to a cab telling her, "See, it's *not* a walk of shame if someone does it with you."

I wonder how long it will be until Jules (C.C's character) and Grayson hook up?

Anyway, Jules makes some hilarious jokes that her teenaged son, Travis (the powered kid who was Sylar's sidekick briefly in the last season of Heroes), is not amused by throughout the show.

She gets talked into going to a club to meet younger guys by her friend and assistant, Laurie (best known to me as Kim Kelly from Freaks & Geeks), and when Jules ends up leaving the club and the young man she'd been chatting with... later, Laurie drops the guy off on Jules doorstep with a congenial, "Hey, you left that at the bar, bitch."

As she's about to go down on her young "friend" her son and her ex turn up in the house ("You said you hated that.").

Her best friend, Elle, feels jealous that Jules is out there, dating and going to clubs while she's home with her baby, Stan ("Stan?!?! Is your baby 60?") and her husband who has, she feels unfortunately, remembered that Elle promised him more sex.

Jules' ex, Bobby, is a wanna-be musician who she pays support to. He later becomes employed at their son's high school as a gardener.

Travis gets into a fight at school because his Mom's sexy real estate posters (thank Laurie for the picture swap) are being stolen by young boys as masterbatory fodder.

Jules freaks out on Grayson a couple more times, at one point suggesting that if he wants girls to think he's younger that he should wear footie pajamas.

After one freak out, where she pushes him to the ground twice, Ellie's husband Andy walks by and says hello to Grayson, calling him, "Samurai."

The show made us laugh a number of times and we will be tuning in again.

TV Talk -- SYTYCD Canada - Top 12 ep (watching on the Eastern Canada feed)

2009-09-22T19:21:00.009-04:00

Guest judges:

Mia Michaels and Rex Harrington

TJ & Everett - theatre (Sean Cheesman)
This Joint is Jumpin' - Ain't Misbehavin' (ORG Broadway cast, 1978)
1-877-977-4601

OK, lots of tap. Everett's hair makes him look pretty hot. High energy. TJ pales by comparison in the tap bits to Everett (obviously) but they connected nicely and that crazy-ass I don't even know what to call it lift-flip-over thingy DAMN!!!!

But why do they NEVER get the pimp spot at the end of the damn show?

My Little Man just said, "I can't wait for Jean-Marc to cry so we won't like him anymore."

Ahh the wisdom out of the mouth of my 7-year-old...

Melanie & Cody - Jazz (Melissa Williams)
Glory Box - Portishead
1-877-977-4602

This is vampire-themed and Cody is supposed to be a virginal teenaged boy.

There's a chair and Cody gets blindfolded for a portion of it. He seemed stiff (no, not like THAT) throughout the routine and he was a bit off when they did a portion of side-by-side work.

Once again, Melanie totally out-danced Cody. She had great lines and feet and really seized what I think Melissa wanted for her role of the piece.

Way to go, Melanie! :>

Corynne & Austin - Salsa (Melanie LaPatin & Tony Meredith)
I know you want me (Calle Ocho) - Pitbull
1-877-977-4603

I wish they weren't using this song since it brings to mind the best group routine of S5 U.S. (imo)...

Corynne's legs in particular seemed kind of stiff and she had a sense of uncertainty at the beginning of the routine. Am not liking her hip movement. She seemed like she was obviously faking it and not trying to embrace the feel and emotion of the routine.

Austin seemed to be doing much better than Corynne was, but I found it hard to watch him because I found her performance so jarring.

And I have to agree with Mia -- the sexiness was forced. Totally!

Kim & Emmanuel - Hip-Hop (Luther Brown)
Respect my Conglomerate - Busta Rhymes feat Lil Wayne & Jadakiss
1-877-977-4604

Kim looks the hottest, sexiest that I have ever seen her on this show so far. Fabulous hair and makeup and, low and behold -- a FLATTERING outfit!

Emmanuel is not doing a lot of dancing in this routine - at one point he's sort of just standing behind Kim and mugging.

And he seemed a bit off in the side by side work near the beginning but it got better towards the end.

Surprisingly, the 6 pack slide and then Kim grabbing Emmanuel's package seemed more "natural" than the stuff from Blake's group routine last week for certain.

Kim really out-danced Emmanuel in this one, but they seemed pretty comfortable with each other. Since they haven't hit the bottom so far, I'd be shocked if they have to do solos tomorrow night.

Some of Sexy Rexy and Mia's comments just cracked me up...

Jayme Rae & Daniel - Contemporary (Blake McGrath)
It Must Have Been Love - Kari Kimmel
1-877-977-4605

I *hate* this cover of this song... arrgh! The smearing of the eye makeup because the love "is over now" was cheesy and, frankly, I expected these two dancers to perform far, far better than I felt that they did.

I disagree with Mia, I did not feel their committment to the piece, there was a disconnect for me between the partners and the routine itself.

Normally, I love contemporary (and Blake's couples work) but this didn't reach me emotionally at all and it seemed a bit more contemporary-by-numbers.

Meh sums it up well for me.

Amy & Vincent - Jive (Melanie LaPatin and Tony Meredith)
Pony Time - Chubby Checker
1-877-977-4606

Vincent was fantastic! Amy was slower, with far less bounce and seemed to lose energy as the routine went on. I do not understand why the judges seem to like Amy so much.

Vincent was sharp, precise and had the right amount of bounce. He just shines in his routines and I will be so glad to see him with another partner (so long as if they hit the bottom tomorrow that the judges clue in that HE is great and she is dragging him into the bottom).

Mia calling out Vincent as her favourite male - awesome but I am afraid that could be a death knell for him.

My picks for the bottom 3 couples:

Corynne and Austin
Melanie and Cody
Jayme Rae and Daniel

TV Talk -- HIMYM, Heroes & BBT

2009-09-21T23:32:00.004-04:00

How I Met Your Mother, Heroes and Big Bang Theory all returned tonight.

Although I was fairly spoiled on HIMYM, I still loved it. I thought everyone was spot-on (although Jason Segel seemed under-used).

Alyson Hannigan was hilariously obnoxious as her bossy, but loveable, Lily. From what we've seen of Lily over the previous 4 seasons, I certainly felt that her behaviour was in character and not OTT (after all, considering the things they've said Barney has done - how can one ever BE over-the-top on this show?)

Barney and Robin were entertaining, though I am glad that this ep put an end to the "whoa, not so fast" back and forth between them, even if they are lying about how they really feel about each other and Carter and Bays will tell us over time whether or not they are lying to the gang or lying to themselves.

(As an unapologetic BRoTP shipper -- I vote for lying to themselves)

It was nice to see Brad again. He's a nice recurring character although I don't recall him having much interaction with Robin in the past.

Ted and the hat and whip -- LOL!

Ted in the wrong classroom -- very funny but I felt it was a little too drawn out. There could have been a moment where Ted thought to himself he was over his head and wondered what the gang was doing and then we could have had a flash to the apartment and Marshall doing something awesome.

Just a thought.

Heroes... Oh Heroes...

I keep wanting to quit watching you because you tend to go into long periods of suckage.

You've lost Bryan Fuller again and I am nervous.

Onto the two main guys from the carnival. One was played by Ray Parks (who I've previously seen as Toad from X-Men and Darth Maul in The Phantom Menance) and the other was Robert Knepper who portrayed the character "T-Bag" from the canceled TV series, Prison Break.

I still find him creepy, though I'm sure that's how it was meant to be.

What are some of the Heroes up to these days?

Danko is killed by Speedy Slice'N'Dice who also attacks Tracy (but where he slices her, she just morphs into water so is unhurt) and the toy suprise in his guts is a key that Noah removes wearing a sandwich bag on his hand.

Noah takes Peter to check it out and the key opens a safe deposit box that contains a compass (the same one that later appears on T-Bag's arms as a tattoo that moves) which is dead to Noah but active when Peter holds it.

Peter has thrown himself into superhero paramedic mode. He is ignoring calls from Sy-than and his mother and although he helps out Noah on a mission, he wants to stay out of it.

Perhaps that will change since his last rescue of the ep is Noah himself, after he was sliced, diced and robbed (not made into Julienne fries) by Parks' character.

Claire is at university. Her over-achieving roomie (who DOOL viewers might recognize as Bo & Billie's daughter, Georgia Chelsea Brady) apparently kills herself and then Claire's new friend (the actress who plays Mia on Californication) discovers Claire re-creating the event trying to determine if it was a suicide or not.

As Claire cheesily pushes her ribs back into her body - she waves at her friend who suddenly appears at the window.

Noah bonds with Tracy once she stops killing people. Do I smell romance? Fuck, I hope not - I am not interested in that pairing. C'mon Noah -- a guy answered your wife's phone, it doesn't HAVE to mean anything.

Speaking of jealousy, Matt Parkman has a shiny new Head!Sylar (BSG fans will get the reference) and fears about the waterboy. He's trying to not use his powers, but Head!Sylar is stalking him and disrupts an addiction-related meeting with some of Matt's co-workers (including the guy who played Cylon Simon on BSG).

He falls off the wagon and when he tips the water guy, he convinces him to get a new route and to never darken their doorstep again.

Sy-than uses telekinesis and also does a little blue electricity but can't re-create it and in a talk with Ma Petrelli over sushi indicates that he feels like his life hasn't been his and that he feels invincible.

She knows it's trouble, waiting to happen but Matt won't help her and Noah wants redemption for himself and perhaps a new line of work (plus some groceries... seriously what was up with Noah and Peter's basically bare fridges???)

Ando and Hiro were boring. Hiro's powers are still wonky and, as he reveals to Ando, he's dying.

He accidentally goes back in time where he encounters T-Bag and he pushes adult Hiro so that when 14-years-ago Hiro bumps into 14-years-ago Ando, instead of the slushie spilling onto Kimiko's favourite dress (causing her to hate Ando for eternity as it was in the original timeline) it spills onto adult Hiro.

He comes back to the future (OK, the present but I couldn't resist...) and Ando and Kimi are in llllllloooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvveeeeee now.

I can't remember if I've missed anything or not but that's the general idea.

Big Bang Theory

The guys come back, extremely hairy (though Sheldon is only moderately hairy).

It turns out that they faked all the research so Sheldon has to embarrass himself by sending out an email retraction.

They keep refering to one naked night when the heater went out and they had to sleep cuddled up, and naked, to keep their core temperatures up.

Penny and Leonard keep getting interrupted.

He brings her a real snowflake as a souvenier.

Sheldon runs away and goes home to Texas so we get to see his Mom (who shall forever be Jackie from Roseanne to me) who is still as creationism believing and Jesus-loving as when we last saw her.

Sheldon decides to come home.

Leonard and Penny finally get it on.

But state, "it got weird."

I guess we'll see what happens next wk...

Literal videos make me howl...

2009-09-21T23:29:00.002-04:00

For those of you unfamiliar with the phenomena of literal videos...

go here: http://www.dustfilms.com/literalvideos

Or go on youtube and search "total eclipse of the heart literal video" or "anything for love literal video" or do it by the artists (Bonnie Tyler and Meatloaf respectively).

Trust me -- it's worth it :>

Early morning laughter

2009-09-17T09:28:00.002-04:00

OK so this morning, T. (in his ultimate wisdom) chose to get up, put on his anti-perspirant (white stick style) and then put on a dark, black T-shirt.

It's not the first time he's done something like this. I usually try to ignore it even though *I* find it embarrassing.

But this morning, I think it was the worst example of it since we've been together. I was teasing him about it, rather mercilessly and when we took Little Man to school, one of our friends joined in on the teasing.

So we came home and I made him change his shirt before we go back out and, once he makes his coffee, we are heading off to the Market.

He made the comment that he's figured out why I'm with him and that it's so I can easily maintain intellectual superiority.

I laughed and replied, "That's just an added benefit."

;>

LOL!

Yesterday would've been my Dad's birthday

2009-09-15T21:33:00.009-04:00

Yesterday was Sept 14th.

Yesterday would have been my Dad's 84th birthday; however, he never even lived to see his 68th.

To me, my Dad was the most amazing guy in the world. As I child and a teen I absolutely adored him. He could do no wrong.

His voice was loud and booming but infused with love and laughter. He made friends everywhere he went and everyone liked him, even if he'd been "bending his elbow" a bit too much.

He was the man I loved the most in the entire world.

Many people did not understand him, looking back on my childhood now I cannot say with certainty that I did... but we clicked. We were buddies. We were partners in crime.

It was always US vs Mom, or so it seemed.

She was the the one who disciplined most of the time and she was the one who would put her foot down when Dad or I were scheming for something. Mom would get exasperated and throw up her hands, looking at us with frustration and say, "I ought to write a book about you two!"

It was always her biggest crack. Her final hurrah before she'd turn her back and ignore whatever we were up to because she was sick of us trying to talk her into whatever we were after.

This usually happened in regards to pets.

Daddy and I loved pets. We did NOT love taking care of them. We liked to pet them and walk them but when it came to baths, poop, animal vomit, feeding etc... then it all fell on poor Mom.

Of course, it's only in retrospect that I was able to see that.

We must've driven my poor Mom nuts.

Because Dad and I spoke the same language. We were off-the-wall, and loud, boisterous, sarcastic and we could be huge asses if the need seemed to present itself.

We were also the ones who were more reactive, more outwardly emotional, more physical and STUBBORN. Mom, as stubborn as she was, could not out stubborn the two of us.

That must've really sucked for her.

But my Dad was the one who bought me Nancy Drew books every time I did something well OR if I didn't rat him out for doing something wrong to Mom.

I was a co-conspirator when I was younger, not telling Mom where Dad hid his dirty magazines or not telling when instead of taking me to school -- he took me to the stockyards with him and then on his rounds as a fuel-oil farm agent.

When I was older, not long before he died, I was no longer his co-conspirator. But it was more serious then. He was on a specialized diet because of his diabetes. At that point he had lost one leg to gangrene and was using a prosthetic and he was still trying to sneak extra beer and trying to get me to cover for him.

For years after he died, his birthday filled me with grief and sorrow and pain. This year, I was sad, certainly, but I found myself thinking about his funny moments and some of my fond memories rather than the end.

I still laugh when I remember him tricking my friend Rosey to look away and then he hopped on her new bike she'd been bragging about and he rode down the street with her chasing after him and yelling.

I remember when he decided to drink a huge amount of his attempt at home-made wine on Good Friday and fell through the glass on the front door after some extensive vomiting on our recently installed carpets.

I remember how he would ask me to make "big, fake tears" when I wanted something and remember how much he loved when Mom was babysiting some of my nieces and nephews.

He'd wear paper crowns, hair barettes and even make-up to entertain the kids.

He'd give whisker rubs, and hog the remote and get really, REALLY pissed off when I'd solve the puzzles when we were watching "Wheel of Fortune."

He was my Dad and he loved me from the moment I came to my parents' home as a foster child.

And I miss him.

Before Mom died, she was quite convinced that my Little Man is the reincarnation of my Dad.

And Little Man has said some things when he was younger that certainly made me wonder.

Whether he is or isn't, I really hope that the wonderful qualities of my Dad are something I can pass on to my Little Man because I do think that Nurture beat out Nature in a lot of ways because I think my Dad really helped form the nutbar that I am.

I love you, Daddy!

When I married my wee man's father, I had a picture of my Dad in my bouquet... this was that picture.

TV Talk -- SYTYCD Canada - Top 14 ep (watching on the Eastern Canada feed)

2009-09-15T18:54:00.006-04:00

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

Do not read if you have not seen the episode.

OK so our guest judges tonight are the incredible Karen Kain and the awesome judge iffy choreographer (imo) Dan Karaty.

Melanie & Cody - Hip-hop (Luther Brown)
Turnin' Me On (feat. Lil' Wayne) - Keri Hilson
1-877-977-4601

The side-by-side work after Melanie straddled Cody and sort of pumped her crotch near his face then they seemed to pick up and seemed more in sync and more connected.

I think Melanie (again) sold it better than Cody did. He doesn't hold my eye (despite being adorable) and I'd have prefered them to have a different style than HH tonight because it seems like them being in the bottom 3 last wk might have influenced the judges to give them HH this week.

I wish they'd have gotten musical theatre instead. Something where he would be really challenged.

Melanie out-danced Cody.

I enjoyed it but I wonder if I'll remember it by the end of the show (since I'm trying to blog this in live-time tonight)...

Amy & Vincent - Cha Cha (Gustavo Vargas)
Rie y Llora - Celia Cruz
1-877-977-4602

Ugh, barefoot Cha Cha - I hate when they dance barefoot!

I thought there was too much of a slowdown when Vincent was preparing to get Amy onto his shoulder. I thought Amy's legs seemed a little stiff in parts and Vincent certainly out-danced Amy.

I think the judges were a little nice to them as I certainly wasn't wowed with the story or the performance.

Tara Jean & Everett - House (Sho-Tyme)
When Love Takes Over (feat.Kelly Rowland) - David Guetta
1-877-977-4603

Everett seems too light on his feet and I think House should be heavier, more grounded, less bouncy.

The unison is great though. The energy is good too and they kept it up throughout the routine. But this pales HUGELY by comparison to last year's House routine with Lisa & Vincent.

Also, I was irked that Dan thought it had never been done before on SYTYCD. The only other time it's been done was S1 of SYTYCD Canada.

But, it's the most enjoyable routine so far I think.

Kim & Emmanuel - Contemporary (Stacey Tookey)
To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra
1-877-977-4604

I think Emmanuel looks quite handsome in this costume. Can't say the same for Kim though - I hate that ruffled skirt.

I think this was the most connected piece they have performed as partners and I really enjoyed it. I wish I would have connected to it emotionally (for some reason I did not) but I thought it was beautiful.

Karen Kain's "quiet artistry" comment really summed this up.

Jayme Rae & Daniel - Disco (Melissa Williams)
Disco Inferno - The Trammps
1-877-977-4605

(I still think they were due for a damn ballroom routine this wk so I am still on the grassy knoll re: this couple).

This was a pretty crappy disco. I found it slow, a little awkward and their worst piece as a couple.

They didn't sink into the roles and a lot of their connections seemed like they fumbled (I think Jayme Rae not Daniel) though that one bumpy start to that sort of split lift, once she was in position it was pretty cool but this just fell flat to me.

Daniel out-performed Jayme Rae.

Kudos to Dan for pointing out that this was not a good performance.

Danny & Natalie - West Coast Swing (Benji Schwimmer & Donyelle Jones aka Benjelle from SYTYCD U.S. S2!!!!!)
Love Lockdown - Kayne West
1-877-977-4606

Little Man said, "I remember when Benji helped them dance on American Idol." (which was funny since I had forgotten about him helping Paula choreograph in one of the AI eps).

OK so this seemed more like a WCS/Hip-Hop fusion (kudos to Donyelle for the HH elements for sure!) I thought the routine was a bit too slow and I would have loved to see one of the other couples get this piece since this is my least favourite couple (I think Tara Jean and Everett might have done this one justice since they

Danny certainly out-danced Natalie and there was one part where she obviously fumbled for making a hand connection with Danny during the routine.

Also, was she lip-synching during one part? Anyway, this was a poor song choice because I kept seeing Jeanine and Philip (S5 U.S.) doing their NappyTabs hip-hop with the chain.

I'm pissed that the show did NOT mention that Donyelle was assisting Benji. Boo-urns show!

Danny saved the routine for me, Natalie dragged it down and this was one of those ones that I know COULD have amazed me, but sadly did not and that's because of the dancers.

Last note - did Natalie's costume and hair extensions make anyone else think of Lacey? I was picturing her in the female role and it would've been a thousand times better.

Corynne & Austin - Jazz (John Byrne)
Paparazzi - Lady Gaga
1-877-977-4607

I was really enjoying this piece, the speed, the movements, the jumps and lifts and turns UNTIL the stupid lame-ass gun prop.

Take that out of it and then I bloody well loved it. No missed connections and no fumbles and the piece only started to lose speed and steam once the prop gun came out.

Also, Austin's slicked back (down?) hair was an improvement.

This and the Kim & Emmanuel Contemporary piece were the best of the night.

My bottom 3:

Melanie & Cody - because I had forgotten them by the end of the show and HH is not going to save Cody, he needs to shape up or go home and stop dragging down Melanie.

Jayme Rae & Daniel - because I want to see them have to dance for their lives and their Disco sucked

And my 3rd couple...

*thinks*

Amy & Vincent since their Cha Cha didn't do it for me OR Tara Jean & Everett since they did not embody "House" in my opinion.

I think Danny did enough to save he and Natalie from the bottom with the WCS but I am not sure.

I do not feel compelled to pick up the phone and vote for anyone tonight though. I might toss a few votes to Kim & Emmanuel since I thought they had the best routine overall (with Austin & Corynne being my runners up) but because I didn't emotionally connect to the piece, that distance I felt while watching makes me not want to vote.

A friend wrote about astrology on his blog today

2009-09-15T11:46:00.002-04:00

And it prompted me to look up this: http://www.novareinna.com/constellation/celtic.html

According to this site I am The Ivy.

the following is taken straight from the site and I am bolding what I think sounds like me:

The power of the Ivy lies in its ability to cling and bind, making it a potent symbol of determination and strength to the Druids. Ivy has been known to strangle trees and was once a portent of death and spiritual growth. Being evergreen in nature, the Ivy represented the perennial aspects of the human psyche.

The Celts associated Ivy with their Lunar Goddess, Arianrhod, and their ritual to this deity marked the opening of the portal to the OtherWorld...or the Dark Side of the Moon. This door symbolized an entrance to the Realm of Faery and thus, the Ivy was representative of the mysterious and the mystical.

Ivy was once carried by women for good luck and used to aid in fertility. When used correctly, it was said to heal headaches, muscle cramps and assist in the art of prophecy. Ivy was symbolic of the journey of the soul and the spiral toward to the self. It encouraged assistance toward others in their search so that they, in turn, might offer assistance.

Considered to be powerful indeed by the Celts because of its ability to kill even the mightiest Oak, the Ivy has a tendency to create dense, inpenetrable thickets in the forest. It was regarded to be much more powerful than the Vine and rather sinister in nature.

Ivy can grow, spread and flourish under many conditions...cultivated land and wasteland...light or near darkness...fertile soil or upon rubble and stones. It will push its way through tiny cracks and crevices to reach the light and is strong and difficult to destroy.

Since ancient times, the Vine and the Ivy have been regarded as enemies. If the Vine, through intoxication, released prophetic powers, then the Ivy, in contrast, was a means of communicating with inner resources, bestowing upon an individual the ability to see through the eyes of the soul and beyond the everyday world. The ancients held the Ivy in high esteem.

Its leaves formed the poet's crown as well as the wreath of Bacchus (Roman God of Wine), to whom the plant was dedicated...possibly because it was once believed that to bind the brow with Ivy leaves prevented intoxication.

Not botanically considered to be a tree but rather a form of Vine, the Ivy must depend upon a host for support. The plant is an evergreen and bears leaves which are dark green and somewhat waxy in texture. It can grow to be 100 feet long in Beech woods and around human habitations, where it is widely planted as ground cover.

The Ivy has thin tendrils that attach themselves to surfaces and are strong enough to penetrate bricks and plaster. Its greenish flowers appear on short, vertical, shrubby branches. A member of the Ginseng family, the Ivy can grow in such profusion upon its host that the host tree smothers and dies. The berries of the Ivy can be used for medicinal purposes, but are poisonous if taken in large quantities.

A powder made from the dried leaves and berries can be used to clear a stuffy head and was once believed to be a curative for a hangover. Roman agriculturists once recommended Ivy leaves as cattle food, but they are not relished by Cows...although Sheep and Deer will sometimes eat them during the Winter.

The broad evergreen leaves of this plant afford shelter to Birds during the cold months and many species choose to build their nests in Ivy, preferring it to other shrubs. Ivy is extremely hardy and can live to be a great age. Its one-time medicinal virtues are not very highly regarded today, but it is much valued in the modern world as an ornamental covering for unsightly buildings. Ivy is said to be the only plant which will not make walls damp.

There are two distinct types of Ivy individuals (a division which relates to all Celtic Tree Signs). The "new moon" character is associated with the first two weeks of a sign and the "full moon" character is associated with the last two weeks.

The "new moon" Ivy individual is a rather radical thinker...something akin to the Rowan individual...but with a more artistic temperament. Such people, however, do have a tendency to be somewhat indecisive and their success rate has a propensity to swing between two extremes which will set the pattern of life accordingly.

The "full moon" Ivy individual radiates a successful image all the time, even while suffering a reverse of fortune. These people are generous providers, but can be shrewd when it comes to their financial resources and income. The "full moon" Ivy individual can also be extremely manipulative and liable to use any position of power in a ruthless manner. As a result, this individual often becomes involved in disputes and litigations.

In general, Ivy individuals have great personal stamina and a wealth of talents that can bring personal honors and public recognition. Such people are generally colorful characters with a unique style which is all their own.

Restless by inclination, Ivy people are nonetheless sociable and good-natured. Cheeful, expansive and magnetic, they easily win friends and dislike offending others.

Although frequently indecisive, Ivy individuals are far from weak-willed and will tackle difficult tasks with infectious optimism.

They also possess a sharp intellect which is matched only by their sense of humor...however, their personal doubts and fears can manifest into strange dreams and personal encounters. Blessed with profound artistic flair, Ivy people tend to be greatly valued as friends.

On the more serious side, Ivy people have a quiet type of faith and a belief in the natural balance of things. Extremely loyal, they are capable of accepting responsibility for their own actions.

They tend to attract people who have little or no morals and should keep that in mind when making new friends.

Ivy individuals usually make for poor students...they simply are not "book learners" and garner knowledge better by way of experience.

They also have a propensity to not be very lucky people. Romantically, the Ivy person is very sensitive but seems to fall in and out of love at the drop of a hat. When in love, Ivy individuals lean strongly toward being the "clingy" type, but they make generous and caring parents. It is important that Ivy individuals not get too caught up in the problems of others or they are prone to suffer disappointment and betrayal.

Physical Goal: To link with others.

Mental Goal: To recognize that the group unconscious does have an influence...to absorb, go inward and learn about the self.

Spiritual Goal: To enter into the group mind with joy and assist others in their spiritual journey so that they will, in turn, offer assistance...to learn that all is intertwined.

Amergin Verse: "I am a Ruthless Boar"

Ogham Association: Gort

Polarity: Masculine

Color: Sky Blue

Class: Chieftain

Letter Character: "G"

Month: September...eleventh month in the Celtic Ogham. September is said to have originated from the word "Septem," which means "seven," being the seventh month in the oldest Roman calendar. It is the first month of Autumn's rule and a time when the Druids celebrated their Festival of Alban Elued...bidding the Sun God farewell, while thanking him for the harvest.

Alias: "Moon of Buoyancy" and "Moon of Resilience"

Magickal Properties: Healing, Protection, Cooperation and Exorcism

Some Famous Ivy People: Hilary Clinton, Mahatma Gandhi, Margaret Thatcher, Sigourney Weaver, Oscar Wilde and Kate Winslett

Then, more specifically:

October 4-October 13: Those born between these two dates also fall under the lesser influence of a secondary tree...the Rowan, also known as "The Service Tree," whose motto is "A Delight for Birds" or "The Sensitivity."

Rowan individuals are full of charm, cheerful and talented without being egotistical.

They like to draw attention and basically love life...even its complications.

Somewhat restless, Rowans are both dependent and independent. They constantly strive for approval from others and detest loneliness. Rowans possess excellent taste, are artistic, passionate and emotional, with a burning desire to create a better and more beautiful world. Rowan people make for good company but find it hard to forgive what they perceive to be transgressions.

Symbols

Gemstone: The Ivy gemstone is the semi-precious Opal, also known as the "Queen of Gems" and "Gem of Hope." A member of the Quartz family with a very high water content, it is a brittle, heat-sensitive, silicon oxide stone which often shatters or cracks when it is cut or polished. If given as a lucky or love stone, such shattering was once considered to be a sign of extreme bad fortune. The flashes of color come from natural silica spheres which create light interference. Due to its delicate nature, Opals are usually worn only as pendants and earrings. The modern name of the gem is derived from three ancient sources: the Sanskrit upala (which means "precious stone"); the Latin opalus; and the Greek opallios (which means "to see a color change"). It is unique in the world of jewels, having little color of its own, yet shining with the radiance of all the other gems. In the Nineteenth Century, the Opal became to be considered a stone of bad luck...especially if worn by those not born in the month of October. The only exception to this was the Black Opal, which has always been believed to bring its owner good fortune. The origin of the unlucky superstition is unknown. Early races credited the Opal with magical qualities and traditionally, the Opal was said to aid its wearer in seeing possibilities. It was believed to clarify by amplifying and mirroring feelings, buried emotions and desires. It was also thought to lessen inhibitions and promote spontaneity.

The Opal is an historically treasured gem and 6,000 year old Opal artifacts have been found in Kenyan caves. However, most are believed to be approximately 60 million years old (or more) and generally date back to the Cretaceous period when dinosaurs roamed the earth. The early Greeks believed the Opal bestowed powers of foresight and prophecy upon its owner while in Arabian folklore, it is said that the stone fell from heaven in flashes of lightning. To the Romans, it was considered to be a token of hope and purity. Legend states that one Roman Emperor offered to trade one-third of his vast kingdom for a single Opal and that the Roman Senator Nonius chose exile rather than surrender a large Opal to Marc Antony. It has been said that the beauty of the Opal is the combination of the beauty of all other gems. In the Middle Ages, the Opal was known as the "eye stone" due to a belief that it was beneficial to eyesight and blonde women were known to wear necklaces of Opal in order to protect their hair from losing its color. Some cultures thought the effect of the Opal on sight could render the wearer invisible. Needless to say, it was thus a popular item among thieves. Opals were set into the crown jewels of France and Napoleon gave Josephine a beautiful example of this stone containing brilliant red flashes which was called "The Burning of Troy." It was a favored gem of Queen Victoria who often gave them as wedding presents. The Opal is the Patron Stone of actors and performers.

Flower: The flower of the Ivy is the Woody Nightshade, a vine-like plant also known as Bittersweet, Felonwort (meaning "The Felon's Plant"), Scarlet Berry, Violet Bloom, Mad Dog's Berries, Blue Aversion and Blue Hate. It belongs to the Solanaceae, an immense family of plants which includes Belladonna, Hensbane, Potato, Tomato, Peppers and Tobacco. Its generic name Solanum is derived from Solor which means "I ease." The leaves of the Woody Nightshade bear a certain resemblance to those of the Belladonna, being purple...but its berries are red instead of black (as are those of the Belladonna). This perennial, shrubby plant with its woody base is native to Europe and Asia, being commonly found in almost every English hedgerow. The flowers, usually bluish-purple in color, bloom all Summer in loose, drooping clusters on short stalks. The plant was so named by the ancient herbalists in order to distinguish it from the Deadly Nightshade. Shepherds once hung Woody Nighshade around the necks of their flocks as a charm against the "evil eye" and a necklace of its berries was found in the tomb of Tutenkahmun, the Boy-King. Tradition dictated that if placed on the body, Woody Nightshade would dispel the memories of old loves and former sweethearts. There are few ailments for which Woody Nighshade has not been recommended at one time or another, including a remedy for rheumatism, fever and inflammatory diseases of every nature. To a certain degree, its berries have proven to be poisonous to children but seem to be thoroughly enjoyed by birds with no ill effects.

Celestial Body: The celestial body associated with the Ivy is the "Moon Veiling Persephone" or the planet Persephone itself, which is believed by some astronomers to exist just beyond Pluto. In Greek mythology, Persephone was the wife of Hades, Lord of the UnderWorld.

Deity: The Ivy deity is Arianrhod whose name means "Silver Circle." She is also known as "Star Goddess," "Full Moon Goddess" and "Virgin Goddess of Reincarnation," among others. Her palace was called "Caer Arianrhod," otherwise known as the Aurora Borealis. She was Keeper of the Silver Wheel of Stars...a symbol of time and/or karma. This wheel was also known as the "Oar Wheel," a ship which carried dead warriors to Emania, the Moon Land. Arianrhod is sometime depicted as a weaver, linking her to lost myths of creation and magickal practices. Daughter of the great Welsh Goddess Don, Arianrhod is said to be useful in helping females find their own feminine power.

A second deity associated with the Ivy is Rhiannon, the "Great Queen" who was Goddess of Birds and Horses, as well as Enchantments, Fertility and the UnderWorld. Unjustly accused of destroying her newborn son (who had been kidnapped by a nameless Fiend), Rhiannon is compelled to assume the shape of a Horse until her son is unexpectedly returned to her. In her role as a Death Goddess, Rhiannon would sing sweetly enough to lure all those within hearing to their doom. Another legend suggests that Rhiannon was the mistress of three marvellous Birds whose song could wake the dead and lull the living to sleep. Because of her association with Horses (she first appears in myth mounted upon a White Horse), Rhiannon is often equated to Epona, the Roman-Gaulish Horse-Goddess.

Animals:

The Boar - Important to the art and myths of the Celts, the Boar (once common throughout the British Isles) was known to be cunning and ferocious. The battle horn of the Celts sported the figure of a Boar's head, their shields were decorated with engravings of the Boar in warfare, and figures of this animal were mounted upon their helmets. The Boar was said to lead the Celts in battle and show direction for their warriors. The skin of the Boar was also believed to heal wounds. One legendary Boar was Orc Triath owned by the Goddess Brigit. In Arthurian tales, the Boar known as "Twrch Trwyth" was one of Arthur's most terrible foes. The White Boar of Marvan was said to inspire its master with the ability to write music and poetry.

The Goose - As with most birds in Celtic lore, the Goose represented prophetic knowledge, bloodshed and skill. Traditionally symbolic as messengers and servants of the Gods, they could be portents of either good or evil, bringers of luck, omens of death or sacrificial animals. The interpretation of the flight patterns, habits and songs of birds were all methods by which knowledge of future events might be told or unfortunate circumstances avoided. Celtic monks used the Wild Goose as a symbol of the God Spirit and, in Roman times, it was noted that Britons would not eat the flesh of the Goose. Bones of Geese have been found buried in the graves of Iron Age Celtic warriors.

The Butterfly - Symbol of faery faith, the Butterfly was believed by many cultures to be the souls of the dead and the keepers of power. Traditionally, no negative energies were said to be experienced in any area of the Otherworld where Butterflies could be found. They were symbolic of the freedom from self-imposed restrictions and the ability to regard problems with greater clarity.

As the stars of my youth burnout - I feel old.

2009-09-15T01:45:00.004-04:00

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze.

You join many other famous people who stand-out in the memories of my youth as making an impact on me.

You join John Hughes, Micheal Jackson, Farrah Fawcett (as some of the others who have passed on this year).

And then the ones who still stand out to me, even though they did not die recently:

John Candy
Christopher Reeve
Phil Hartman
Michael Landon
Victor French
Colleen Dewhurst
former Princess Diana
John Ritter

There are others, but I really require some sleep...

TV Talk -- SYTYCD Canada - Top 16 ep

2009-09-08T21:31:00.012-04:00

Please note, I am certainly an arm-chair critic. I've had absolutely no training in dance but I do love sharing my opinions...

SPOILERS TO FOLLOW -- do not read this if you haven't watched the episode yet!

Kim and Emmanuel - Jazz Funk (Blake McGrath)
Love, Sex, Magic - Ciara (feat. Justin Timberlake)
1-877-977-4601
I thought this one was alright. Though not comparable to the wicked Jazz Funk Blake did for Nico & Lisa in S1.

re: this couple, I am totally on the Kim train but remain iffy on Mr. Sandhu (I attribute this to when I used to watch him as a skater and used to get so irked with him choking under pressure).

I think that Emmanuel is truly improving with his partnering skills and on building a believable connection with Kim and his side-by-side work has improved as he was staying in unison with Kim (a weakness I found jarring in his 2 previous routines).

And yes, I noticed that skate-free triple axel... I think I am already sick of it. Save it for your solo, Emmanuel!

And the licking of the boots (love those boots, aren't they they same as the ones Lisa wore for her Jazz Funk that Blake choreo'd last season?) was cheesy - didn't turn me on at all.

The gimmick of the Magic Box was entertaining although I thought Kim being in the bikini at the end was a little over-the-top in a not-OK way.

I'd have actually prefered it if she'd danced the whole routine wearing it rather than her appearing in it in the overtly sexual ending.

By the end of the show, I'd almost completely forgotten it and had an "Oh Yeah" moment when I started my re-watch to help me blog about it.

Note to Producers:

I have to say that I enjoyed part one of the "Meet the Judges" segment the most and found it far more entertaining than most of the "What's the best and worst qualities about your partner?" segments.

That being said, Amy and Vincent were cute as were Melanie and Cody.

Amy and Vincent - Hip-Hop (Flii Stylz)
Boom Boom Pow - Black Eyed Peas
1-877-977-4602

As much as I loved them last week, this was umm, tame, cute, and a little silly. The big grin on Amy's face (or her open mouth) bugged the living fuck out of me.

I thought Vincent was WAAAAAY better than she was in this routine, though their side-by-side work was good but I found them too bouncy/perky and I almost want to call it "pop" by the overall feel.

And I don't care what Jean-Marc says - I think the bit with Amy lip-synching was one of the most ANNOYING parts of the routine.

Boo-urns!

*Note* S1 Canada winner, Nico posted on his FB status that he wants people to vote for Amy. Sorry Nico, I cannot oblige you this week although Amy and Vincent got all my votes last week.

Austin (aka Estrada-Osmond) and Corynne - Contemporary (Stacey Tookey)
Never Say Never - The Fray
1-877-977-4603

I'm with the Grassy Knollers on TWOP's SYTYCD Canada forum on this one...
Austin is being viewed as a multi-trick pony rather than a dancer and boom - he gets Contemporary with his 1st wk with his new partner who is, ooh shocking, ALSO a Contemporary dancer.

That aside, I enjoyed this piece. I loved Corynne's run and leap onto his back - damn, that boy must be strong.

I thought Austin connected with Corynne better than with his previous two partners, though I felt she embodied the emotions of the piece far more effectively and believably than he did.

Melanie and Cody - Mambo (Gustavos Vargas)
Suena Ahora - Michi Sarmiento
1-877-977-4604

Who thought it was a good idea to dress Cody like an octogenarian? Is there a geriatric man in Florida who is wandering around, lost, naked and alone right now? UGH!

He needed a more flamboyant or colourful shirt to better match up with Melanie.

I noticed none of the judges commented on when Melanie slipped just before the between the legs slide. And that he sort of caught her and then they continued to the leg slide. That was either good partnering on his part or luck.

I think agree with Tre that Cody was not sharp and was too fluid. To me that created a disparity between Cody and Melanie.

I have to say that this was the WORST routine I've seen them do.

(Psst, Jean-Marc, don't say "street" were you hanging out with Toni Basil recently or something?)

Do I think Canada will let them hit the bottom -- NO, but I think they should.

Everett and Tara-Jean - Quickstep (Pierre Allaire)
Chicago Overture - Hot Rolls Ragtime Band
1-877-977-4605

It looked and felt kind of awkward, it wasn't all that quick and the footwork seemed sloppy. Also it lacked the lightness and snap of a good quickstep routine.

Some of moves appeared to be unfinished and their legwork when I thought it was supposed to be in-sync didn't appear to be.

I think the best part was that bit of Charleston (???) at the beginning.

Seemed like the judges were blowing a lot of smoke up their asses THOUGH I am going Grassy Knoll on this and saying with the dances they've been given so far (nothing in their wheelhouses) that one or both of them were cast as early show fodder.

This should take them straight to dancing for their lives tomorrow night - but will Canada agree? *shrug*

Jayme Rae and Daniel - Hip Hop (Luther Brown)
Pucker Up - Ciara
1-877-977-4606

I am also on the Grassy Knoll about this couple. Obviously a judges favourite since in 3 weeks they've had three interesting routines that can more easily fit with their personal dance training. And no ballroom whereas fodder couple Everett and Tara Jean have had three weeks of ALL ballroom...

That being said, these two are damn good dancers, but I'm starting to feel a bias towards them in reaction to what I percieve as favouritism...

All I am saying is that they'd better get a country two-step, a quickstep or another "death" dance next week...

I hated her costume, though Daniel was sexy. And I didn't find the routine as shocking as I was expecting it to be with all the "it's a lil racy" etc comments in the rehersal footage (though the almost simulated BJ move made me wonder if Dan Karaty had come to Canada to choreograph for a minute - *snicker*)

Excellent unison and connection within their partnership (though they've danced together in the past and knew each other before they were cast on the show).

I noticed Jayme Rae danced in flat boots for the second week in a row and I think the boots Kim wore in her dance tonight might have looked better with the outfit but not that good for dancing hip-hop.

Nicholas and Jenna Lynn - Hustle (Benji Schwimmer)
Canned Heat - Jamiroquai
1-877-977-4607

I am an unabashed Benji Schwimmer fan and I enjoyed this piece. Though let me point out that I know Jack Squat about the Hustle and the judges kept thanking Benji for re-inventing it.

"Thank you for re-inventing the Hustle." <-- That seems to be quite a bold statement to me. Is this like Wade and his Not!Jazz? (Or a couple of the other choreographers who have taken liberties with some of the pieces they've given the dancers?)

Anyway, the idea was that it was the end of the world and these two strangers were just going to dance. I can believe people would do that.

I thought that, surprisingly, Nicholas was more eye-catching and a better partner to Jenna Lynn than she was to him and I thought this was the best dance they've had so far this season (hated their wk 1 so-called disco the most).

Nicholas looked good in the suit and Jenna Lynn needed, desperately needed, something other than those horrid red stretchy pants. UGH! I found them distracting in a bad, bad way!

This was the most fun routine of the night for me -- and I like the fun! :>

Danny and Natalie - Rhumba (Gustavo Vargas)
Historia De Un Amor - Perez Prado
1-877-977-4608

Danny's shirt kept making me think his shoulders were really high and it made him look awkward. And I am sick of having the girls dressed nicely and then the men being sort of non-existant.

Especially Danny since he is just so forgettable so far on this season for me. He disappears. I should start calling him Casper, the Friendly Ghost...

Danny's partnering was great, his feet seemed a little heavy and I thought he needed some more sway overall and I thought the sex appeal in this piece was lacking.

I would not mind losing either of them but with Tre and Jean-Marc's comments - I worry that it will inspire all their fans to vote like crazy for them to keep them out of the bottom.

Who I would put in the bottom 3 couples:

Sorry - I have to pick a bottom 4 this time:

Melanie and Cody (even though I love them both and want them both to stay)
Tara Jean and Everett (even though I love him - but I'd like to see his tap solo, so long as he stays)
Danny and Natalie (BOTH CAN LEAVE!!!!)
OR
Amy and Vincent (though I like both of them, especially him though)

Who I would send home:

BOYS

Danny

GIRLS

Natalie OR Tara-Jean

Grr Arrgh

2009-09-05T18:56:00.004-04:00

So it's been a crappy couple of days. Not with me and T. or with me and my Little Man...

It's been a whole lot of Rhyme Girl attitude :(

She'd spent the past two wks with her mother since the court agreement is that we have her the first 2 wks of July and the first 2 wks of August and her mother has her the last two wks of those months.

Well, we've had continued challenges in the area of her and PRIVACY as well as appropriate behaviour and clothing choices.

*sigh*

All of these things have been on-going since T. and I first got together. We usually end up making progress over the summer and then, once she's been away from here for any length of time -- it backslides.

I feel like Sisyphus. Constantly pushing the rock up the hill and never getting anywhere because I have to keep doing it over and over again.

After two days of this, I pulled T. aside and told him he needed to have a talk with RG because all I get is attitude.

I'm sorry but she needs to learn to change with her door closed, she needs to leave LM alone when he's in the bathroom or changing in his room, she needs to knock before she comes into our room, she needs to be aware of where she is putting her hands on adults when she is being affectionate with them.

We're working on the same things with LM (minus the inappropriate hand-placement on others but adding in the inappropriate touching of his penis in public); however, since he is 2 years younger than her and at roughly the same stage, if not a little BETTER with most of it than she is -- I find it rather exasperating.

So T. had a talk with her. And it was long and involved and, as per usual, it went back to her complaining about her parents being apart and why didn't they stay together and what if they got back together.

Is it wrong of me to wonder how she doesn't have her mind wrapped around this yet?

LM, after the odd question here and there last year, seems to understand that his father and I are done for good.

At RG's mother's house, she lives with her mother and her mother's common-law mate, whom RG often calls "Dad" or "Daddy."

So why isn't she absorbing the fact that her parents were done with each other long and well before I ever even MET T.

Wow.

In typing this, I am coming to the realization that this is bothering me even more than I thought it did.

And I'm not sure which aspect is bothering me the most - the bit about wanting her parents to be together in all their dysfunctional and hate-filled glory (since that's pretty much how T. described the last few yrs of their relationship to me) or the fact that she's either not being taught about personal space, privacy, dressing for her age and body type at her mother's home OR she's just not absorbing it...

*sigh*

And then I wonder why I am having such a killer headache today.

TV Talk -- SYTYCD Canada S2 - Top 18 ep

2009-09-01T23:30:00.010-04:00

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Melanie M. & Cody - Krump (Lil C)
1-877-977-4601
Buck N' Roll - the J Squad

As adorable as their chemistry is as a couple, and as just plain appealing Cody is to women of all ages, I thought Mel was the break-out STAR of this piece. She completely smoked Cody in this routine.

Cody began to show more of an embodiment of the piece right before the end. I think he was maybe too busy thinking during the beginning of the routine instead of feeling it.

That being said - no way in hell are these two cutie-patooties hitting the bottomw this week.

Tara-Jean (T.J.) & Everett - Salsa (Melanie & Tony)
1-877-977-4602
Ana Pa' Mi Tambor - La Excelencia

T.J. was incredible I thought. Great hip movements and energy. She and Everett were not together in their side-by-side bit before he did the awkward stepping over her chest and shaking his ass bit.

She sold the hell out of the routine and he was dragged along for the ride. That being said - I still really like him even though I found their jive lackluster last week. But he's a tapper. I have a weakness for tappers.

Kim & Emanuel - Theatre (Sean Cheesman)
1-877-977-4603
Maybe this Time - Connie Fisher

There were large areas of awkwardness in the piece (where they were together and doing assisted lifts and such) and I still can't decide (on my 3rd viewing) whether or not that it was on purpose or if it could be attributed to Emanuel's broken fingers on his left hand.

In the parts where Emanuel had solo areas, he did great and Kim held the persona of the piece all the way through, though it did not seem natural for her so kudos to her for that.

Last week in the bizarre MC Hammer hip-hop, Kim was killing it and Emanuel was sort of being dragged along behind. This week he was more a part of it, and the distribution of the performance was more balanced.

I am not feeling any chemistry between them when they dance, not even on a friend level. Though I lay the blame for that on Emanuel since he was a solo skater for so many years.

Amy & Vincent - Contemporary (Blake)
1-877-977-4604
When you say my name - Mario Spinetti

My #1 routine of the night. I was sucked in to the emotion and intensity of this routine. Definitely a tour piece! I had goosebumps. Don't want to even try to explain it - you just need to watch it (though I found Vincent's makeup somewhat off-putting and the duct tape over Amy's mouth highly DISTURBING - but I think that's part of what Blake was going for.

Jaeme-Rae & Daniel - Dancehall (Jaeblaze)
1-877-977-4605
So Fine - Sean Paul

My #2 routine of the night (though it was T.'s #1). Loved it. Much better than the S1 attempt with Issak & Kaitlyn. But Jaeme-Rae's resemblence to Lauren from S3 U.S. bugs the living crap out of me! She needs to change her damn hair!!!

Anyway, they both seemed natural in the movements and their synchronization was good. It was enjoyable and entertaining without requiring any emotional connection.

Corynne & Anthony - Paso Doble (Melanie & Tony)
1-877-977-4606

This was going OK before the fall. The recovery was good but there seemed to be a tenativeness or hesitation. A lack of connectivity between the partners that took away from the piece.

Jenna Lynn & Nicholas - Hip-Hop (Sho-Tyme)
1-877-977-4607

Nicholas hit is hard and well. Could barely keep my eyes off of him to focus on Jenna Lynn and that's Ok because she was not invested in the essence of the dance. She seemed too light somehow and although she really tried to sell it, she did not succeed.

Danny & Natalie - Jazz (Melissa Williams)
1-877-977-4608
Please don't leave me - Pink

I found Natalie distracting, stiff and somewhat awkward in a way that I didn't think was on purpose. Her legs seemed weighted down and heavy. Yet I adored Danny, who was a non-entity for me in last week's episode (He reminds me of Chris aka the Tree from S4 U.S.).

All that being said, they did sell their chemistry and connection to one another and I found *that* believable.

T. and I hated Natalie's costume (or lack thereof) though.

Melanie B. & Austin - Smooth Waltz (Danny Quilliam)
1-877-977-4609
Nights in White Satin (Notte di Luce) - Il Divo

T. insists Austin looks like Donny Osmond and I think he looks like what a genetically engineered son of Donny Osmond and Erik Estrada would be. But that's neither here nor there...

I thought Austin was fantastic but I spent most of the routine resenting Mel B's presence since I thought she should have been sent home last week instead of the ill-fated Tatiana. When I was able to see through my bitterness, I found Mel B. to be quite weak in the routine. The run and sort of jump into Austin's arms seemed clunky.

My Bottom 3 couples (I don't expect Canada to agree with me):

Mel B. & Austin (because of Mel B.)
Corynne & Anthony
Kim & Emanuel (because of Emanuel <-- and they should've been in the bottom last week!)

Who I would send home:

Mel B.
Emanuel

At the end of the show I noticed that Natalie was one of the few who was focused on the cameras and I didn't see her dancing with anyone else. I also noticed Mel M and Cody dancing with each other - do I smell showmance?

Ashes, ashes and we all fall down...

2009-08-24T17:42:00.003-04:00

Wow, this is the sort of entry I never expected to make. I have never had the opportunity (thankfully) to watch someone engineer their own destruction before now...

Unfortunately, someone I loved has chosen to piss away his chance at a fresh start and is running back into the pattern he knows.

A pattern woven of lies, violence, insanity, subterfuge, and disdain for the law. The pattern has also included bdsm and hard-core narcotics in the past, and I don't know if those things are part of it this time or not.

Today I mourn.

I mourn for the friend I trusted and supported and loved for over a decade.

I cannot be a part of his self-destructive journey.

He has spoken to me of mental issues in the past, insisting that you cannot see them until you are stabilized.

He is blind. He does not see that he is as bad as he was months ago.

But I am done.

I cannot save him, even if he actually wanted to be saved.

Haven't posted in awhile

2009-08-18T00:34:00.001-04:00

There have been some movies I watched and some TV eps I watched, books I read, thoughts I had and such that I thought about blogging about. However, I have not done so.

Why?

Because when I get really down - I don't write about it. I keep things in my head, swirling around at different speeds, from a lazy breeze to a tornado.

Still not really in the head-space to disclose.

Am closer to making a BIG step re: my mental health. Or, at least, what I hope will be a big step in a positive direction.

I did make myself get out of the house a number of times last wk. I visited some friends and did some socializing. But it took effort to get out the door. Once I was actually WITH my friends, I had a damn good time.

It's the lack of a motivator to make me leave the house that is the real challenge.

What else?

I should go make a post in the kids' blog re: Little Man's progress with swimming and Rhyme Girl's move towards diving.

Maybe another day?

Right now I just kind of feel like going to bed.

But, I am alive.

So concludes this update...

The saga of the bicycles

2009-08-03T12:07:00.001-04:00

Wish us luck...

Last year Rhyme Girl successfully conquered her fears and learned to ride a bike, although it was Little Man's bike (so it was small for her).

She has a bike now that is the proper size for her, but she is afraid to ride it.

Whereas Little Man, who was too scared to even pedal last year, is riding like a champ without training wheels this year.

We are about to go outside for some bike practice for her and some riding around for him.

Somehow, I think drama may ensue...

TV Talk - SYTYCD S5

2009-07-23T12:34:00.003-04:00

Evan & Janette

Jazz

I have found this season that much of the time, if I re-watch dances with the sound on mute - I enjoy them more. I loved this one, and it is my fave of the night.

Rumba

I didn't find it sexy. And, frankly, I found it forgettable.

Brandon & Jeanine

Waltz

Hated, hated HATED the music. Again, one that benefited from a re-watch on mute even though I *still* found it too slow for my liking.

Pop Jazz

I enjoyed this one. It was my #3 dance tonight.

Ade & Melissa

Cha Cha

Even on mute, I felt it was badly danced. Not enough hip action, Melissa came across extremely stiff most of the time and Ade felt "heavy."

Contemporary

I cannot enjoy this dance because the emotional manipulation really bothered me. My Mom died of breast cancer in 2004 and my birth mom is a breast cancer survivor.

Had there not been the "backstory" - I think I would have enjoyed this piece more, but as it stands it is probably in my 4th or 5th place spot.

Jason & Kayla

Broadway

Jason was great and Kayla was OK. I was happy to see that she was wearing shoes but I felt she was dancing somewhat awkwardly. This was forgettable though. Sorry Jason!

Hip Hop

My #2 dance of the night. I thought it was characterized well, I thought Kayla (who irks me) did a pretty good job and I thought Jason was excellent. Best Shane piece this season but certainly not of the series.

B2 boys: Ade, Evan.

B2 girls: Melissa and Kayla.

Also, I thought Ellen was completely mocking Toni Basil every time she said something about the "street" but I didn't get why she was there since her comedy is generally drawn out and she didn't have the time to do that while judging.

Today

2009-07-18T23:17:00.003-04:00

>

Well, we had to take Rhyme Girl back to her mother's after spending 2 wks with us. Little Man is off at his father's place so T. and I had a really nice visit with his folks after we dropped RG off.

Came home and have just been chillin'.

Got to talk to my Libra-C down in NZ via FB tonight so that was nice :>

And, the pic is one I took on the 401 on the way home tonight.

Slow Ride - sexual fiction

2009-07-17T23:45:00.001-04:00

The sun was bright as beads of sweat slid down my neck, pooling around my collarbone. I saw a stand at the side of the road selling farm-grown products so I pulled over, easing her onto the gravel shoulder so I wouldn't mess up her new paint job.

I squinted, even with my sunglasses firmly in place as I found my hat on the passenger side floor and placed it on my wayward curls.

Shutting off the car, and my musical accompaniment, I could suddenly hear the cows in a nearby field, a tractor turning onto a nearby dirt road, the laughter of Mennonite children and a respectful voice.

"What can I get for you, ma'am?"

I chose a couple of pints of berries, a watermelon and a bouquet of lilies and, as a treat, some real Maple syrup.

The young woman called over a tall boy to help me get my items into the car. He smiled and nodded but didn't speak.

"Thanks again," I called as I waved and got back into my shining blue baby.

Traffic was slow so I was able to ease back onto the road without much of a fuss. There was a hill ahead so I tempered my speed and as I was cresting the hill - I saw him.

Tanned skin, tousled hair, dark with sweat. A gleaming god at the side of the road, thumbing for a ride.

I'd thrown practicality out the window not long after my ex-husband did the same thing with our marriage.

"I can't believe I am doing this," I murmured and then I cleared my throat as I rolled to a stop.

"Where are you headed?"

"Anywhere," he replied, showing me a white smile that moistened me more than the heat of the day.

"Hop in."

He sauntered over to the car, pressing his hand against the side and sliding it towards the passenger door. As if he had all the time in the world.

I studied him. His eyes were a mystery of browns and greens, I wondered what they looked like in a moment of passion.

His lips were well-shaped without being overly full. He had the start of 5 o'clock shadow and it was only 2:48 p.m. Now that he was closer I could see that his hair possessed a bit of curl and was a deep red, not black as I had first suspected.

He smelled like grass, sweat, sunshine and freedom (though in my world, freedom smells a lot like sandalwood).

"I've only got about a 25 minute drive to get back, but I was going to take the scenic route and enjoy the sun for awhile."

"I don't mind," his voice was husky, with the hint of an accent that I could not identify.

The shocks squeaked slightly as he sat down. He glanced around the interior for a moment before asking if he could smoke.

"Sure," I shrugged, trying to be nonchalant even though I had kicked the habit 2 years ago.

To my surprise, it wasn't a cigarette he pulled out to light.

He puffed quickly, then held the air in his lungs before he exhaled slowly. I felt like everything was in slow motion when he leaned closer to me.

"Would you like some?"

I could feel my eyes widening, with surprise and desire, and I couldn't trust myself to speak so I nodded instead.

"C'mere."

He inhaled again, closing his eyes and holding it before he brought his lips to mine and blew the tangy smoke into the cavern of my mouth.

His eyes had changed, flooded with a deeper green, even as his pupils dilated.

I realized that his mouth hadn't moved, and we were lip-to-lip with our eyes wide open and I began to giggle and then cough.

He moved back, placing a concerned hand on my pale arm, "Are you OK?"

Eyes watering, coughing and flushed, I tried to answer.

Instead, I chose to nod - again.

He looked in the backseat and saw my mini-Coleman, then he leaned back and found two bottles of water. He cracked them open, offering me one first.

"Thank you."

"It's I who must thank you, for the ride, the company and the water."

"Then I guess we should go."

He smiled again as I started the engine, listening to the magnificent purr of the motor as I signaled back onto the road.

"What's your timetable like?"

"I don't have one. I'm at your mercy."

I laughed, "Actually, I'm Mercy. Mercy Marie Connors."

"Pleased to meet you, Mercy. I'm Jacob Allen MacKenzie. Recently of Chalmer's Farm. People call me J Mac or Jake."

"Was that the farm where they had the roadside stand?"

"Nah, it was maybe a good quarter mile from there. Thought it would be a good change for the summer but it wasn't for me."

I continued driving, sipping my water and smiling at Jake. He had leaned his head back and seemed content to drive with me in silence.

I didn't know where I was going, but it was nice to be able to exist in peaceful silence with another human being.

"Mercy," he said, "There's a nice bit of land up this way if we take a right just after that gas station. It'll take us along the river. Wanna stop off and cool down a little?"

"Sure."

So we parked my girl and made our way to the river. Though I wasn't sure how we'd eat it, Jake grabbed the watermelon while I grabbed the berries. I had a fleeting thought about some new uses for Maple syrup but left it in the car.

"Oh Jake, would you grab the blanket out of the backseat for us to sit on?"

"As you wish," he smiled and bowed slightly.

When he caught up to me, Jake had the blanket, the watermelon, the cooler and the lilies.

"Thought they'd wilt in the car," he said as he touched them to my nose. I sniffled and laughed as I pushed them away.

"They're for my best friend. Her favourite flower, which I am allergic to."

He looked sheepish and moved them away, "Sorry."

"No worries."

We laid out the blanket and then took off our shoes and then lay down on the blanket, looking up at the canopy of leaf-clad branches, giving us shade.

Jake reached into his cigarette pack and pulled out the unfinished joint, "Shall we?"

He sat up to light the spliff and then laid back down, reaching out an arm for me. I snuggled into him so we could share the joint.

He was warm and our heartbeats were in sync as we smoked and talked. In a little while, we got hungry.

Jake had a knife in his pocket, He unfolded the blade and used it to haphazardly cut into the watermelon. It was cool and juicy. We ate like children, delighting in the sticky sweetness and giggling at one another.

Then, somehow, it turned into a food fight. We were crushing the berries in our hands and rubbing them into each other's faces. I bit the end off a strawberry and then painted his face with it's juices. Giving him round rosy cheeks and a red nose.

"Now there's no mercy for you," he growled and swept me into his arms, determinedly walked to the water's edge.

I began to squeal and squirm to get away from him. But he held me tightly and our heartbeats sped up.

Then I grabbed his earlobe between my teeth and growled. One of his strong hands moved to spank me once, firmly, without releasing me.

"It's cold," he warned me as his feet entered the water.

I chewed on his ear a little more and then he flopped down into the water, bringing me with him.

I shrieked as the cold water made my simple sundress far less innocent than it had appeared when I put it on that morning. My nipples stood at attention, dark pebbles beneath the white fabric.

I struggled to get to my feet and then I turned and looked at him, laughing. Water dripping down his body, his T-shirt plastered against a fine cut torso.

Then I tackled him.

Down we went, and we landed hard because there was no way he was expecting it.

I grabbed a handful of water and washed the strawberry from his face as he carefully began to wash the watermelon from mine.

"Let's get you out of those wet things," I grinned at him.

One eyebrow went up as he began to comply from his prone position. I re-positioned myself above him and then knelt over his leg and helped him pull the shirt off.

Jake slid my straps off my shoulders and carefully tugged down the elasticized bodice of the dress.

"Beautiful," he murmured as he engulfed my nipple and part of my breast into his hot mouth.

I threw my head back and rocked on my hips. It had been months since I had been with a man. And it had never felt like this.

It was Adam and Eve, as if we were alone in the world and had been made exactly to please each other.

I licked and nibbled from his jaw, down his throat, to his collarbone, and he groaned and thrust towards me as I did it.

His hands grabbed my ass and squeezed just enough that I gasped and as I did, he kissed me, his tongue expertly arousing mine before he began to move his hands back up and his mouth back down to my breasts.

Then he moved his hands again, drawing his fingers firmly down my back as my fingers were playing with his nipples.

"Mercy," he gasped, "You are killing me."

His erection was rubbing against my panties and even though I had goose bumps all over my body, I was hot, I was on fire.

I grabbed his hand and helped him to his feet, leading him back to the blanket. Then I tugged off his jeans and his underwear and pushed him down on his back.

Jake sat up and grabbed the sides of my panties, pulling them down to my ankles before burying his face under my skirt.

My knees turned to mush and I wobbled as his slick tongue sought out my pleasure center.

I pushed him back a bit, "I'm going to fall over."

He moved and made room for me on the blanket, "I wasn't finished." Jake knelt between my thighs and he licked me, he suckled me, he nibbled me until I was yelping with desire.

"You are so wet, I want to be in you but I don't have anything with me."

I toyed with the idea of not caring but then I remembered my purse.

"I might have one in the outside zippered pocket."

We looked around the wreckage of fruit and found my handbag. And there was one condom inside.

With a look of joy, he ripped the package open as I took him in my mouth, tracing the head of his cock with my tongue so he could feel my piercing.

Then I licked my way down his shaft and carefully took his balls into my mouth as he struggled to get the condom in place.

I released him and then I rolled onto my back.

"C'mere."

He was on me in a second and I didn't even need to help guide him in, he was thick and hard and, for this moment in time, mine.

He thrust into me with a controlled force that made me want to frenzy. I moaned his name as he pulled me closer so that we could kiss.

Jake buried his head in my neck, biting me in between saying my name.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God! Jake, give it to me. Fuck me hard!"

He moaned and began thrusting faster and harder while I juddered with orgasm after orgasm.

I think I slept after that, but everything was kind of off-kilter and woozy. The colours were brighter and the day was warmer because orgasms make the world a better place.

He was looking at me and I was looking at him.

Wondering what we would choose to do next.

*cross-posted to http://sharing-sex-stories.blogspot.com

Grouchy-pants

2009-07-10T20:00:00.002-04:00

This wk it seems like everyone in our household is cranky.

It's hot, it's sticky and it's humid.

That doesn't bode well for any of us as none of us are particularly skilled at dealing with crankiness.

I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass, this too shall pass.

RIP Martin Streek

2009-07-07T11:48:00.000-04:00

His voice was unmistakable.

His love of music, unsurpassed.

He was knowledgeable and he was a staple of my youth/young adulthood.

He will be missed.

Fiction...

2009-07-03T02:36:00.001-04:00

It was hot and humid. The air hung around her like an unwanted cloak. Heavy, intrusive, smothering.

Maggie lifted her hair from the nape of her neck and held a dampened washcloth against her flushed skin. Her blue eyes seemed to be floating in the sunburned pink of her face.

She slumped down onto the decorative rock wall that surrounded the garden, her knees brushing against each other in a strange show of modesty when coupled with her mini-skirt and the striped stockings that were tied with ribbon at her knees.

Closer examination would reveal that there were dollar store spiders glued to the ends of the ribbons.

Her shirt was a non-descript ribbed, faded, black tank style top that clung to her chest and left her midriff bare beneath the soft black fringe she'd affixed when she had been wrapped up in her belly-dancing kick.

Maggie possessed a quick wit and a sharp mind but she lacked focus. Her interests waned and waxed more quickly than the phases of the moon.

Someone called her name and she jumped to her feet, immediately wobbling and reaching out for something to catch her balance.

"You OK, birthday girl?"

"Oh, hey Kev," she replied, "I'm thinking I might not even make it to the club tonight the way I feel right now."

"C'mere."

He reached out for her, and drew her close, letting her lean her weight upon him as they headed back inside.

The smell in the alcove near the apartment stairs was overwhelming.

Wine and sex and sweat.

She tripped in the semi-darkness, falling against the wall. Kevin fell with her, his hand on her breast.

They froze.

She drew in a ragged breath, unsure of what would happen next, not even knowing what she wanted and then his lips were on her neck. She tried to hear his whispered words over the thundering of her heart.

"You are so incredible," he murmured as he slaked his tongue across her collar bone. She began to feel like her knees were made of Jell-O and she slid a little.

Kevin grabbed her around the waist.

"Are you sure you're OK?"

"Yep," she smiled, almost in disbelief that this was happening without anyone at her party knowing. Maggie sucked at keeping secrets. She wondered to herself who she'd tell first when she felt his hand move.

He drew it slowly up between her thighs.

The base of his palm pressing against the core of her heat.

"Oh my God," he whispered as he rubbed against her, "You are so fucking hot. And damp, I can feel you getting wetter by the second."

Maggie closed her eyes, focused on the sensations she was feeling, "Kev, we've gotta get back, anyone could come down or come in from the street and catch us."

He just kept rubbing her in a circular motion, though her barely-there see-through panties were getting really uncomfortable.

"Mags, I can feel your clit. I want to see it."

She giggled, "It's too dark in here to see anything, anyway."

Kevin crouched down, between her striped stocking-clad legs and grasped the sides of her panties.

"Lift up your skirt a little."

Maggie did.

"You're right," his breath tickled her skin, "I can't see a damn thing. Try turning a bit and maybe I can see a little with that moonlight once my eyes adjust."

Her pale ass scraped against the wall when she moved.

"I still... can't... see... anything," he sighed, his breath causing her clitoris to swell a little more.

"Fuck it," Kevin continued, "Just pretend I'm blind."

Maggie started to ask a question but then stopped because his lips, his soft lips, encircled her and then he began to suckle her as his goatee tickled the rest of her.

She began to slip and his strong hands came up behind her, firmly grasping her ass, holding her in place.

Kevin lessened his suckling and began to lick her. Long, lavish strokes of a firm yet smooth tongue.

He moved his head slightly to the side as her legs began to shake. Her thighs clamped him tightly as she slid a little further down the wall.

"Oh fuck, I'm gonna cum. Don't stop, Kev, please don't stop."

Kevin kept licking her, tasting new wetness as she came. He could barely breathe but he wasn't going to stop until she told him to but soon she did.

"Oh God," Maggie sighed, "that was fucking awesome."

Kev smiled at her in the darkness as he wiped his face, realizing he was going to have to give his face and goatee a good wash because he was covered in the scent of pussy.

"Happy birthday, Mags."

She laughed as she readjusted her panties, "That was my present? But I didn't even get something to unwrap. Seems a little unfair."

Kevin leaned into her so she could feel his erection.

"You could unwrap me later."

Maggie rubbed his cheek affectionately, "Awww, Kev - do you want to be my birthday lay this year?"

"I've wanted that every year since you started the damn tradition," he muttered.

"Well, then, I guess that means I'll be getting extra attention if I'm a good girl, right?"

"Only if you're a naughty girl, Mags. That makes the spanking a lot more fun."

"Let's go upstairs then, and party some more before it's time to call it a night," she grinned.

"How am I supposed to hold out?" Kevin moaned a little, rubbing his groin.

"I don't know, I guess that makes me naughty," she gave him a saucy look that he could actually see now that his eyes were finally adjusting to the lack of light.

Mags started up the stairs and flashed Kevin her ass.

"Hey Kev, what did you mean when you told me to pretend you were blind?"

"Because blind people see using touch."

"That's usually with their hands, you know."

Kevin paused for a moment, "Well then Mags, you can pretend that I'm blind for real later because I am going to learn every inch of you with my hands. But I thought my mouth could count too."

I've been away for awhile

2009-07-02T15:44:00.002-04:00

And there was a practical reason for it... both of our computers were on the fritz.

But then, I wasn't really in the mood to be talking either.

You see, I unexpectedly discovered that I was pregnant and, shortly thereafter, I suffered a miscarriage.

So it's been strange.

It's hard to express how I feel. It's hard to examine how I feel.

But at least I am starting to feel more like myself again...

Such a confusing time

2009-06-14T01:50:00.005-04:00

This has been just a crazy week...

I still am not ready to write about it all on here. Even though I feel this ache in my chest and a heaviness pushing down on me while my throat dries up.

There are things I need to say, to express, to allow myself to feel without thoughts of guilt, blame or shame.

But I guess I am not ready yet.

I was telling my therapist at my last session that I am afraid to want things, because wanting things usually turns out poorly.

Hmmn, when I was younger, I wanted to be married and have a child before I turned 30.

Wee man is great, but his father and our marriage most certainly were NOT!

And even when something is a surprise... it doesn't always turn out how you expect it to be.

Or want it to be.

I have been all over the place emotionally this wk. I feel as if I ran a fucking MARATHON!

But I am currently somewhat stagnant.

In a state of theoretical uncertainty.

I know how I feel, and what has gone on and what I think that all adds up to and yet, I cling to a tiny little scrap of hope -- no matter that I've told EVERYONE else that I am not -- I am telling them that because I want it to be true because if I can believe that there is no hope for the current situation, then I cannot be any further hurt by whatever I learn at my appt with the DR on Monday.

I was with my S-girl on Wednesday afternoon and I completely lost control of myself. I curled up by her side, laid my head in her lab and I just sobbed.

However; I have always been fairly good at compartmentalization when it comes to my emotions. I catalogue them and file them.

I am not saying this is healthy, but I learned this lesson in childhood and I do believe that ability is what has helped me survive so much of what I have gone through without offing myself or taking my pain out on others.

And I still do it.

I was scared and I freaked and I grieved and I was not in control. But only for a short time.

That sensation of lacking control over things, especially my own emotions, is something I am just not comfortable with.

Case in point:

When I experience death... when my Dad died when I was 20, I also found things coming back to me and found myself also crying over the death of my Godmother (and next door neighbour) from 3 years earlier.

When my Mom died, it brought back a lot of Dad-related grief even though he had passed 11 yrs before she did.

It's like I can only actually feel and tune into X amount of uncontrollable emotion before it gets put into the filter.

The filter that makes me write and talk about things.

The filter that creates enough emotion distance to keep me sane.

The filter that protects me from complete and utter destruction.

When I try to examine it, the concept of it, I just can't remember a time where I didn't have it, where it wasn't with me, protecting me.

My emotional security blanket.

A lot on my mind - Fight, flight or freeze...

2009-06-07T00:06:00.004-04:00

I had a therapy session on Friday that was a lengthier one. There have been many things preying upon my mind but there has been one part that has really been sticking with me.

First off, let me warn that what follows might be triggering.

It has been said that 1 in 4 women in North America have been raped or have suffered an attempted rape.

I am almost 37 years old.

I have been raped 4 times in my teen/adult life.

Perhaps the sexual abuse I went through as a child left a mark or a scent on me that attracts predators. Being abused by an older child (not in my family) for YEARS has had a huge impact on me and perhaps it has left something there to attract more abuse.

I have also experienced a few attempted assaults back when I was in college and my first real boyfriend once handcuffed me when I had the misfortune of falling asleep and had an idea that he was going to make me have sex with him (it didn't happen).

But what has been coming back up for the past bit is just a portion of one of the times I was raped.

And it's not even the one I would consider the "worst" one. Because yes, when it's happened more than once, you can go back and think about it and sort out how fearful you were and whether or not you were afraid that you were going to die or not.

The worst time - I was afraid that the person has lost his mind so much that he just might kill me. But I don't want to write about that one now, if ever.

Back to my main thought.

Lately I've been flashing back to a rape that occurred when I was 18. I'd gone to a friend's house to hang out and he had some other friends there. One of them was messed up and he started freaking out and burning his arm with a cigarette butt.

I thought he was trying to show off how tough he was or something and then he suddenly threw me into a wall and started to pummel me with his fists. My so-called friend pulled him off of me and took me into another room to compose myself.

But that's not what was going on. I just didn't know it yet.

Suddenly I was on the floor and he was on me and shushing me and touching me and then his friend, the one who had attacked me joined him.

They were both there, above me and I just froze. The first time I said, "Don't" must have been like a token protest.

Each one had a mouth on each breast and they were holding hands across my chest.

I closed my eyes and heard them ask their 3rd friend if he'd like to "pull up a piece" of me, but he was making out with a girl in the corner and declined.

And that's what is sticking in my head. Not the actual penetrative part of the rape (which was only performed by my so-called friend) but the part where I froze.

Talked about it at therapy. Have been thinking quite a bit about it.

Still don't have it all sorted.

So I still feel out-of-sorts.

And that was almost 2 decades ago.

I don't know what else to say right now...

Feeling bummed out

2009-05-28T00:39:00.001-04:00

SO I haven't been writing in any of my blogs and I haven't written anything for the mini-flash for FFC.

I didn't even go on to TWOP.com to post about tonight's episode of SYTYCD.

Why?

Because I am down and demotivated and when I get quite down, I don't want to write about it, I don't want to even acknowledge that I feel this way.

Because it makes me feel helpless.

And hopeless.

But I thought I'd at least post this to let people know.

That being said, Twitter is proving a nice distraction. Short bits of thought, without the keystroke capability for in-depth analysis.

Star Trek - SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

2009-05-11T20:43:00.001-04:00

OK so an old friend of mine has an awesome blog.

And I recently read his entry about the new Star Trek movie.

Read his thoughts HERE.

Anyway, this is what I emailed him in reply.

Hey,

I saw the movie on Friday and I loved it!

I had the same complaints as you did, though the Spock/Uhura bit did *not* make my eyes bleed.

I was completely unspoiled and I was delighted to see Cpt. Pike though I wish it had been for longer.

My overall current view is that everything in the Trek universe that we know and love DID occur and this movie splits off into a new alternate time line/universe.

So what we know, is canon, and this is altverse canon.

Re-doing the origin stories, and doing it well is interesting. It leaves room for new growth in the characters we thought we knew so well. Now we have the opportunity to discover subtle differences (and maybe some more drastic ones) in subsequent movies.

Flash fiction carnival - Eyes

2009-05-08T14:41:00.002-04:00

My first thought was, "I can't do this."

It had been much too long since I had done this sort of thing.

My hands were shaking as I carefully laid the baby on the change table. She gurgled playfully and tried to roll to the right.

Caught her!

With intense concentration, I chewed my lips as I said a quick prayer that I didn't need to wrangle with diaper pins with this baby.

"Who's a good girl?" I asked as I carefully wiped her clean and applied some zinc-based cream to spots that looked like the start of diaper rash.

It was over more quickly than I thought. I dressed her in a yellow sleeper that said, "Grandma's Girl" on it and took her to the rocking chair.

Easing myself down, I began to rock her as I reached for the bottle I'd prepared.

It was so hard to look at Adelle's sweet, elfin face and know that my wife would never hold her.

I hoped it would be alright that I gave the baby my wife's name. But at first, when it looked like the accident was going to take my entire family in one fell swoop, I decided I needed to name her and have her baptized by Father Malone, just in case.

The Father was an old family friend and he came, did his duty and offered his support.

He performed my wife's funeral service a week later as she had been too badly injured when the car had been side-swiped on the way to the hospital.

If it hadn't been for Adelle pulling through, I didn't know what I would do. The thought of suicide plagued my mind but I knew it was a sin and I wanted to be united with my family in Heaven someday.

That didn't make it an easier.

At my age, I was not prepared to take care of a little baby. And certainly not alone. But, God willing, I was doing it anyway.

At night, I would listen to her breathing through the baby monitor and through my grief, I understood why I wasn't in the car that day.

What if she had been the only one to survive? Where would she be.

When she looked up at me with her big blue eyes, her mother's eyes, I knew I would protect her and love her, always.

It didn't matter that I didn't know who her father was. She was family.

My family.

We went to the hospital every day. Sitting in a quiet room, listening to the machines that monitored life. And the ones that sustained life.

I spoke to my daughter daily. I prayed constantly.

But things didn't change.

The unending cycle continued without progression.

Though Adelle grew larger and was the picture of health, the summer baby was ready for autumn.

The October wind was growing cold and I bundled Adelle up warmly. She was 3 months old now and our daily pilgrimage continued.

In the hospital we sat.

I sang old songs and talked and waited, waited for something to give me hope.

I had fallen asleep and I heard my daughter, her voice was hoarse and quiet, "Daddy?"

Then Adelle began to cry and I woke up, with her safely in my arms.

I got to my feet and looked at the monitors and then the bed.

Big blue eyes, shadowed with confusion, met mine.

"Daddy," my daughter said, "Can I hold my baby?"

I called out for a doctor, for anyone to come and then, I carefully laid Adelle on her mother's chest.

"Here baby girl, Grandpa's going to give you to your Momma."

And then, we all cried.

TV Talk - How I Met Your Mother

2009-05-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

[quote]I was a little disappointed that there was no further reference to Barney thinking Robin was pregnant.[/quote]

I sincerely hope that, since the beginning of the ep when Barney ran out was technically the END of the ep since Ted back-tracked through the previous 3(?) days, that next wk's ep opens with Barney bringing Robin to his new, baby-proofed and decorated apartment and then he proposes to her because he really believes she's pregnant.

Then she can be shocked and try to speak and he puts his hand to her lips and launches into one of his speeches except that this one can be sincere and loving and he can even make a comment that even if it's not his baby, he'll love it because it's hers.

When she finally spills the beans that she was teasing, we can have Barney do a fake "I'm so relieved" and NPH can give us one of those heart-wrenching longing looks while Robin begins to look contemplative.

That's what I want for next wk.

*crosses fingers and toes*

P.S. Marshall's charts rule! And hooray for the Intervention banner.
And add me to the list of those who #1 missed Lily and #2 thought it was going to be Victoria.

Snarking

2009-05-01T01:01:00.002-04:00

Early Thursday morning, in the car

T: "Did you mail that letter?"

me: "No."

T: "But I showed you where the mailbox was."

me: "And exactly when did you see me get out of the car to mail it?"

*pause*

T: "Uh, I didn't."

me: "Exactly."

T: "I'm swift."

me: "Swift like mud."

T: "Hey, have you ever seen a mudslide?"

*pause*

me: "Good point. Nice one."

T: "Thanks."

Today would be my Mom's 79th birthday

2009-04-29T19:44:00.004-04:00

Tonight I will hold up a Pepsi and toast with T. to my Mom.

I don't know what to write tonight.

Just that I miss her and I love her and even though she wasn't a perfect Mom, she was MINE.

Frustrations

2009-04-29T08:25:00.002-04:00

So some days the universe aligns and it seems like everything is shitty.

That was the sort of day that T. and I had yesterday re: stuff to do with his ex.

Another good friend got the recommendation that her child needs some surgery to help with a severe sleeping issue.

And another friend was in court yesterday (and I can only guess that it didn't go as expected because had it gone well -- I would've heard from said friend by now I think).

Today I am dealing with a sour stomach, a slight fever and swollen glands.

Blah!

Can't wait to go to bed tonight and it's not even 9 a.m.

Not at all surprised, yet surprisingly disappointed

2009-04-26T10:21:00.001-04:00

So we were supposed to be getting together with some friends to talk about some potential business opportunities and then hang out afterward and have a BBQ.

One of our friends has a roller coaster relationship with their on-again off-again other half.

Said other half was working yesterday so that seemed to be fine.

Then my friend who was hosting us all, got a call yesterday and was asked by our other friend if their other half could attend along with another friend (whom I know but my hosting friend does not know).

My hosting friend said "No" as she does not like having strangers in her home. She suggested a meeting in the future, at a public location, to see if she and her spouse would like my friend's other half (whom they have NEVER met before).

Instead, our friend told my hosting friend that their other half had essentially decided that "everyone" had poisoned my hosting friend's mind about their other half and that it was a lie that it was about business since I was going to be there (let's recall that I've managed and asst. managed a few stores over the years in my retail career and have dealt with things like payroll...) and that the other half had decided that they never want to meet my hosting friend and her spouse.

So on top of that, our friend canceled, which sucked because we did have business-related things to talk about as I might have a client for them, but whatever.

Hence my not being surprised (because the other half has been like this forever, no matter what excuses my friend makes) but being surprisingly disappointed by my friend for being so submissive.

That's the story.

In the moonlight

2009-04-23T12:33:00.013-04:00

Flash-fiction of my own volition...

The air was heavy with the scents of flora bathed by summer rain. Streetlights shone through the greenery, casting elfin shadows that danced, playfully, as the hot breeze caressed the leaves. Making them flutter and move, like a hand stretching out to touch the world.

Marissa crouched down, making herself a part of the shadows. Her pedicured toes reflecting pieces of light from their home within her open sandals. She wriggled them, impatiently. Waiting for what she knew she was there to see.

As the cricket song swelled, Marissa found herself feeling drowsy. She rubbed the back of her sunburned neck and felt one of her dirty blonde curls fall from her hastily-made bun down to her freckled shoulder, exposed by her stylish retro cotton sundress.

There was laughter then. Loud and cackling. Piercing the night like a knife, cutting a jagged swath of discomfort into what was so recently peaceful.

Clink.

She heard the glass bottles touch as the three forms converged on the playground. Marissa watched them stumble drunkenly through the sand. The laughing girl unceremoniously fell back onto the wood, one hand grasping the metal bar.

"Don't spin me or I'll puke. I swear!" She warned.

The taller of the two men crouched near the girl, "I'll just spin you a little. It'll be fun."

"Craig, you really can't. Promise me you won't."

"Oh Craig," mocked the other man, "Promise me you won't."

Craig turned to his friend, "Shut it, Mark. Who asked you to speak?"

Mark growled something that Marissa couldn't hear, but it made her shudder. She shifted her position slightly, glad that she could hear them without being seen.

***

Posting this now - may edit and add more later

Lotus Eaters - music shuffle meme

2009-04-23T00:35:00.002-04:00

You know the drill... put your tunes on random and answer the questions using your song titles no matter how strange it may sound.

But I decided to out in mostly my own questions... Let's see how this goes!

1. What best reflects your secret self?

Reverence - The Jesus & Mary Chain

2. Your enemies would think of you as?

Existence - Project Pitchfork

3. Your parental units, other half (halves for my poly friends) or friends pretend not to know you because?

Invisible Man - The Breeders

4. You say this is your theme song.

Army Ants - Tom Waits

5. This is *really* your theme song.

Doctor Who (Regeneration Remix) - Mark Ayres

6. Best way to sex you up is?

Sails Wave Goodbye - Peter Murphy

7. When you are pissed off you are?

Devils Work - Tactical Sekt

8. What makes you cry?

So You Did It Again - Ane Brun

9. You want your last day on earth to be?

My 16th Apology - Shakespeare's Sister

10. The person who loves you most would say that you are?

Unstable - Life of Agony

11. This is what you most want to accomplish in your life...

We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister

12. Your greatest fear is?

Stitch - Apoptygma Berserk

13. Your greatest joy comes from?

2 Much Booty in da Pants - Soundmaster T <-- BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!

14. Can you keep a secret?

Video Kid - The Birthday Massacre

15. How's your love life?

I Spy - Anouk

16. How's your driving?

Vivere - Lesiem

17. What haunts your dreams?

Desert Garden - VAST

18. What would you change about your life?

Entropy - VNV Nation

19. The song for your funeral is?

I'll Be - Edwin McCain

20. The song for your wedding/commitment ceremony/other occasion similar to this is?

In Dreams - Cesium 137

21. How do your closest friends view you?

Bravest Face - Rush

22. How do *you* view your closest friends?

Gemini Freestyle - Gemini

23. What is your internet addiction?

Pinion - Nine Inch Nails

24. What will you re-post this as?

Lotus Eaters - Moloko

Memory of Mom - Grass

2009-04-22T23:37:00.004-04:00

My Mom had some obscure talents.

She could sneak up on a fly in the house and scoop it into her hand to then release it outside.

She baked amazing pies.

She could make music with a blade of grass.

When I was younger, on rare occasion, she would join me outside and she would carefully select a blade of grass from the lawn and then, she'd place it between her thumbs, sort of cup her hands and blow and she could make music.

It was a feat that always delighted and then frustrated me because I could never (and still have never) figured out how to do it.

There were so many things she did that I never understood.

This was a small one.

** prompted by a blog titled,The One-Minute Writer

Let's talk about sex, baby...

2009-04-22T23:19:00.002-04:00

OK, so I've kicked around the idea of having a blog (not linked to this one or my others) about "adult fun time", "nookie", aka SEX.

I did mention it to Big T. but he prefers that I don't create one, or, if I choose to start one - to ensure that he doesn't have to see it.

Yes, he is well aware of my "robust" past and the disparity between our experiences is notable (and not just in a male vs female manner).

I can understand him not wanting to read about it. I can understand that most of my friends wouldn't want to either.

But do I *need* to share some of that stuff?

I haven't sorted that out yet.

TV Talk - Doctor Who

2009-04-21T12:44:00.003-04:00

Just finished watching "Planet of the Dead" the 2nd of the 4 Doctor Who specials before it resumes as a series.

Now, I was not a fan of Michelle Ryan when she starred as the titular character in the new "Bionic Woman" and I was not a fan of her here either. I am not fond of secondary characters that are very know-it-all and I did not feel that she had any true chemistry with David Tennant.

The best part of the episode for me was when the Doctor spoke of someone else who called him "Spaceman."

As Donna is my favourite Companion (yes, she beat out Sarah Jane Smith) any reference to her makes me happy.

It was kind of a fun episode. Cheeky, cute. I did question why only U.N.I.T. was called in about the wormhole and that they failed to mention Torchwood. Even if they didn't show anyone, there could have been a throwaway line about why Torchwood was not on site.

Malcolm was brilliant and I would like to see him turn up again (but with less "I love yous" for The Doctor).

I can certainly do without Christine ever turning up again but really, what can she accomplish with a bus with anti-gravity power? She can't travel through time or space - she can just avoid those nasty cockups on the M1 (thank you wikipedia since I didn't know the names of any British motorways/highways).

The Fly-aliens reminded me of the Hath from the episode, "The Doctor's Daughter". Bipedal aliens with unintelligible speech and strange heads.

All-in-all, it's Doctor Who and I am a Doctor Who fan so - I was glad I had an episode to watch.

It was light and that's nice for a change.

On my Doctor Who scale I'd give this one 2 TARDIS' out of 5.

Strange dream last night

2009-04-20T16:10:00.003-04:00

All I can remember now though is that the 4 of us were living in an apartment I resided in back in 1996 in real life.

My wee man was terminally-ill and I was very sad and he said to me, "Without hope, there is no life."

I had to go to work and I couldn't remember where I was working and wee man told me that I was an animal security guard (I guarded caged animals that were being experimented on) in London, Ontario.

That's all I remember.

And I had a migraine today and was napping this afternoon and in this dream one of my friends was living with us (in a house rather than here at our unit) & he had become an addict and I ended up getting into a fist-fight with him because a dealer was in the house and had let out our cat and threatened my son.

I hate dreams where my wee man in is peril.

:(

Thinking about the future

2009-04-17T23:20:00.003-04:00

I was out with a friend tonight and we were in a long line-up waiting to make a purchase. The people in front of us were a mother and son.

We both felt that the boy was certainly on the autism spectrum (though more noticeably so than my wee man is).

The boy was like a conglomeration between my wee man & monkey girl. He was very fidgety and was touching everything and hanging off his mom (like monkey girl) while making some odd comments and rolling his head a bit while looking at things and having a one-sided conversation with his mother (like wee man).

It made me want to cry a little... it made me feel afraid that wee man could back-slide or that he'd grow up so dependent on me that he'd literally be hanging off of me when he's a tween.

It's another one of those "Welcome to Holland" moments.

A weight post

2009-04-14T22:38:00.005-04:00

So I was reading a friend's blog and it made me think about my weight loss goals.

I do not want to post a current pic of myself but I can post a couple of lower weight pics of myself to show where I'd like to be again...

<--- Me at 135 lbs (i think) in 1995 - in a Cleopatra costume (the only thing that was fake was my wig)

Though I do not expect to get to be that size again. But I'd be quite happy to be 160 lbs.

<--- me at 150 in 1998 I think

For the moment I am not having luck finding a pic of myself at 160 where I am alone so I'll have to leave it to your imagination for now.

I want to feel like ME and ME is under 200 lbs and can dance like crazy.

Commercials

2009-04-14T22:24:00.002-04:00

I hate the usage of "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling in that commercial for a Lincoln car!

That is all.

Hmmmn

2009-04-13T18:41:00.003-04:00

Earlier today I had plotted out a large rant for my blog on the topic of women's underpants.

You see, being a full-figured, plus-sized woman -- it is INCREDIBLY difficult to find panties that #1 - fit comfortably, #2 - are primarily cotton, #3 - are black, #4 - are reasonably-priced.

I was so irked while I was shopping.

It is ridiculous how challenging it is to find ANY flattering clothing for large women. It is as if designers want to punish us for our size by making us wear things that emphasize our size or seem designed for women of an older generation and the fabrics and cuts of the available outerwear can really suck.

But it is so much worse when we can't even find a decent pair of panties.

That being said, this is much shorter than I originally planned.

In other news, I am wading through the delicate waters of balancing out being a helpful friend without being put-upon or taken advantage of.

I *think* it is going OK.

yesterday

2009-04-12T11:18:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was a great day :>

Early on, Big T., GDB and myself hung out and watched more "Coupling (UK)" on DVD and I had a nice, lengthy chat with the Sammalicious one while I was soaking in the tub.

Then Big T. & I were off to Ajax for dinner with two of his oldest and dearest friends, B & S.

I was having one of those days where I thought everything I put on made me look like Henrietta Hippo but I finally found something I could live with.

We bid GDB farewell and were off.

We arrived in Ajax about 20 minutes early but better to be early than late, I always say.

We got the home tour and I like B & S immediately. Big T. is certain they felt the same way though I am moderately concerned about my potty-mouth and TMI ways ;>

There was an excellent meal and tons and tons of conversation.

I really enjoyed myself and felt comfortable and we had a great time.

Big T. was really happy that we went down and that we all got along well.

He's only recently been back in touch with them because they stopped talking when he was with the monkey girl's mother.

At 11:30 p.m. we became aware of the time, we made our goodbyes and headed for TO since one of my old and dear friends was spinning at Z Club on Dundas.

So, I dragged Big T. out to a bar playing *my* preferred type of music to dance to. I confess that I *looked* woefully out of place since I was not this "me" anymore (me 11 years ago dancing at Savage Garden) but I still danced, talked to PM (aka DJ Trauma) and enjoyed myself.

Being out at a bar with that sort of music... even if I am too tired or whatever to dance, it just makes me happy. It makes me feel more alive and more like myself.

So big ole kudos go out to Big T. for taking me there and putting up with it because, as you know, he's "not really open to listening to anything recorded after 1990."

We got home at 4:30 a.m. and went to bed.

Great day!

nothing to see here

2009-04-11T09:50:00.004-04:00

I had posted a Facebook meme here but I decided to delete it.

Home after a fun evening

2009-04-11T00:39:00.004-04:00

Well, the only down-side to tonight was that when I called wee man at his father's -- I got the answering machine. I also tried my ex-MIL's place too, and also got the machine.

Which sucks because wee man asked that I call him everyday. And I did call, but no one answered.

But, I am keeping my promise. I hope they at least pass on the message.

Anyway, Big T and GDB and myself went over to S-n-J's for a fun evening of chili, Rock Band on X-box 360 as well as a movie and the first episode of "Middle Man" which I had never seen but really enjoyed.

:>

GDB and I had a giggle-fit in the car on the way home and Big T. was threatening to make us walk home if we wouldn't shut up.

Blame the polar bear from the Golden Compass and the full moon for that hilarity!!!

G'night!

Reading celebrity blogs

2009-04-09T18:06:00.003-04:00

OK, so I have to confess that although I've been using the internet since the early to mid 90s I am having difficulty with some of the internet advances.

For example, I have a Twitter account.

I have added some celebrities that I think are cool plus a few that TWOP touted as being great Twitterers.

One of the cool celebrities I added was Felicia Day who I first saw in BTVS and then in the awesome, stupendous "Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along-Blog."

Then I saw a Twitter update from her today about an ep of "Dollhouse" she guest-starred in and from there it lead me to her blog.

So I was checking out her blog and she had a link to a site with booklists (of books she likes) and I was tickled because we have read many of the same books/authors.

From there I decided to post on her blog and recommend a couple more authors to her and then I was reading some comments on another of her blog posts.

Then I found myself compelled to comment on a verbose comment made by another fan of hers.

edited to add: She replied back to me and she also likes Sharon Shinn & Tanya Huff books! How cool is that?

Felicia Day's booklist - I will peruse more closely and look for other books to read since we seem to have such similar tastes :>

The "courtesy wave" & it's relation to road rage

2009-04-09T14:18:00.002-04:00

This is something I've thought of often.

I can freely admit that I often get really pissed at other drivers. That being said, in a way to try to curb it, I generally go out of my way to be courteous to other drivers.

Letting them in if they are signaling and no one else is letting them get in. Waving them on or ahead if I have the opportunity.

But what I notice with pretty much anyone I drive with is that if a driver takes a moment to be courteous, they expect it to be acknowledged.

It takes but a moment for the driver who has been let in (or whatever) to make a visible courtesy wave.

And when they do not - it really pisses people off.

It's like when you hold the door for someone else and they don't even say "thank you."

I sometimes wonder if this is a Canadian thing or if it's big in the States or elsewhere.

Because, of course, Canadians have a reputation of being polite so is the courtesy wave something strictly Canadian or is it something all over North America or even the globe?

I really don't know.

I will state though that I firmly believe that NOT giving a courtesy wave to a driver who does something nice for you increases road rage exponentially.

I over-think therefore I am

2009-04-08T17:36:00.003-04:00

I have issues.

I admit it.

I have always been very open about this fact.

And one of the facts is that I am an over-thinker.

Many of you may think that you understand what this entails but, unless you are an over-thinker, it's difficult to truly understand what it is to be one.

For example...

If I send you out to pick up supper, I expect what you come home with to match what we decided upon and if it does not, I want to know why.

So, if Big T. comes in with pizza, cheesy bread and crazy bread but no garlic dipping sauce, I'll ask where it is.

If he tells me it's there and then I look and only find two containers of the marina sauce - I'll point out what is there and ask again about what is not there.

Now, the best way for someone to handle such a situation with me is to simply say, "If it's not there - I guess they forgot to give it to me and I'm sorry that I didn't bother to check and see if everything was put in the bag."

Why is that the best way to handle it?

Because it cuts off any further questions and you've taken ownership of the situation as well as acknowledging that you were negligent and apologizing for it.

However, if you say, "I thought the other one *was* the garlic sauce." It leads to more questions and statements like:

"But you know this is what we usually order and we always get 2 marinara sauces when we get cheesy bread AND crazy bread, so how could you think one was the marinara sauce?"

and/or

"But the garlic sauce is in a different sized container. You know that, because we've gotten it before."

And if you continue to maintain that you thought that the marina sauce was the garlic sauce, you will get the same questions or statements until you acknowledge that you actually OUGHT to have known that it was not since there should have been 3 containers of some sort of sauce instead of 2. And that the containers are different sizes.

If you reply with another statement that does not seem logical to me, it just opens another avenue for me to make my point.

I have told Big T. that in situations like this, it is best to "cut me off at the pass", so to speak - but, thus far, he does not choose to do that.

Instead, it goes like I've listed above and then he gets REALLY, REALLY irked and freaks out on me.

Now, sometimes I freak out right back and sometimes I find it all so ridiculous that I have to laugh (which pisses him off all the more).

*shrug*

But I still get frustrated because I feel like I have given him the tools on how best to approach me to avoid the situation that will piss him off and he just doesn't do it.

Why?

I think it's because he's NOT an over-thinker and he really doesn't understand how many things are flitting around in my head at a given moment - especially when there is potential conflict involved.

Another example of this would be awhile back, he got a parking ticket.

He came home and told me he got a parking ticket and that he was sorry.

However; that did not cut me off at the pass because then I had to ask why he parked in the lot without paying (he didn't have any change).

Then I had to ask why he didn't choose a free parking space from nearby and then walk to his destination (he had no reason, he just decided to risk it because he was being lazy and not thinking through to the potential consequences).

After all the hub-bub (because, of course, it escalated) I had tried to be very clear about the best way to head me off at the pass...

Saying, "Honey, I know you are going to be upset but I got a parking ticket because I didn't have any change and I didn't want to walk any further so I decided to risk it and I got burned. I'm sorry." would be the best approach because it acknowledges, takes ownership and apologizes without a bunch of passing the buck BS.

It leaves no open door for me to step through with any questions or statements because it sums it all up and provides me with the information I need so I do not HAVE to think about it anymore (which leads to over-thinking).

And if I do not ask the questions or make the statements or points that are running through my head when he DOES leave an open door, I honestly cannot contain myself.

I have to ask or state them.

If I don't, I feel like I will drown in words in my head as I spin off into further and further tangents of thoughts.

I honestly need the acknowledgment, the ownership and the apology statements before I can move forward.

I don't really understand WHY I am this way, but it is the way that I am with other people when I am in error.

So, in giving Big T. (and my friends) the best way to handle me -- doesn't it make more sense for them to listen to me about that, rather than behaving in a manner that they KNOW from experience will not go over well?

And yes, I could stop the cycle if I could just NOT over-think because the over-thinking creates a cacophony in my brain and the longer I do NOT say anything, the more I will end up saying when I finally can't contain myself anymore.

So yes, it's not one of my best character traits though, in other situations, it has been known to come in handy.

Had a strange dream last night

2009-04-07T11:25:00.002-04:00

But I told it all to sammygirl as her phone call awoke me from said dream.

The gist of it was that I was in a computer lab or classroom or something with H., my soul sister, C. and the Sammalicious One ;> and we ended up reading through some IMs from another friend but they were on paper in landscape format and the user icons were like 2 playing cards with one laid slightly askew on the other.

The bottom images were all the same, a classic Joker figure and the top ones were all of my other friend making strange faces.

And the text was all a bunch of stuff dissing me and the date listed across the top of the document was March 22, 2004 and the IM username of my friend was... crap, I can't remember now... Samantha Mathis or Mathers or something? I'll have to see if sammygirl remembers when I talk to her next.

She said it was an actress because when I was relaying the details of the dream to her I believe I phrased it with, "And who the fuck is Samantha ______?___??"

A jumble of images and pieces of dreams

2009-04-05T10:36:00.002-04:00

Had a horrible night's sleep.

Waking up and falling asleep again. In one part of a dream, I was in another town and my wee man wanted to join all these other kids who were playing in an abandoned store front - so, because I could see if from where I was -- I let him go and then the other kids started to pick on him and then the cops came and all these kids came streaming out of the place and I lost sight of my wee man, so I sent GDB out to rescue him and to scare the crap out of the kids who'd been picking on him.

Then my soul sister, C, and myself were sitting in an apartment on the floor and we were wrapping china in newspaper and talking (though I cannot recall about what) and GDB came in with wee man and said he was going to make a sandwich and watch TV with Big T.

Then wee man and I were at my parents' former home. My childhood home. And we were sitting in the backyard on the hill (where IRL there was a blue spruce I had planted in elementary school) and we saw a long line of students and teachers all wearing red T-shirts and it was wee man's school play day and he wanted to join in.

I looked at my watch (which was my Mom's watch which I think may have been buried with her) and saw that it was 3:00 p.m. and school would let out at 3:20 p.m. but there were high black iron fences and I took wee man by the hand and said I'd try to figure out how to get to his classmates in time, but that I could not promise.

Lastly, I was in a hotel room, watching a TV news program on mute and this lady came in who sort of reminded me of an older version of my former psychologist.

She insisted that she'd been talking to my Dad and that he desperately wanted to see me because he had something to tell me.

I looked at her and I said, "Look lady, you are being scammed. I've got a grave out in Linwood where my Dad has been since 1993."

And she looked at me coldly and said, "That's what your problem has always been. You shut things out and don't let yourself feel them so you are never there in the moment and can't be hurt."

Then I woke up for the last time and actually got up.

WTF!